Thomm Quackenbush, author

Jack Thompson would like to help you. No, seriously, he would. If you ever have a problem and no one else is willing to help you, and if you can find him, maybe you could hire him. I'm sure he has a black van or something, decorated with a flaming cross of justice. Who is this stringent voice of the moral majority? Well, rest assured, he's a no-nonsense Miami attorney with a reputation for getting things done. What things you ask? Well, Jack Thompson is all about making people responsible for their children. He does this by suing entertainment companies. I know it doesn't make sense, just try to stay focused for a moment.

If your kid does something wrong, then the violence of video games made him do it. Now that might sound like an excuse to some of you naysayer types out there and if so, Jack Thompson would like to tell you where to shove it. Video games are behind it all. Nazism? Hitler loved Pong. The fall of the Roman Empire? You can thank Sega for that little gem. We're facing a war, people, and the livelihood of Western Society depends on John Thompson's ability to sue large corporations. He's a God-fearing man of the people and anyone who says otherwise is a Communist.

Listen up, comrade, there's nothing heroic about what this man does. On the contrary, the idea of this man establishing blame for a dollar just turns my panties inside out. Doom doesn't make you go out and kill anyone; Doom makes you want to go off somewhere and shoot yourself in the face.

"The incredibly violent Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, made by Take-Two Interactive of New York City, has caused multiple copycat killings across the country."

Sure, attack Vice City for its use of violence. Go ahead; no one really likes that game anyway. Here's an idea, let's start a rumor that Vice City is gay and torment him for the next four years. His social outcast state will eventually lead to cloaking himself in dark garb while we toss used tampons onto his naked shivering form. Blame the game for all the violence in the world. Go ahead, you bastards, make Grand Theft Auto I & 2 cry. They thought they brought a game into the world that people could enjoy, way to show them how truly wrong they were.

"In this game you have sex with a prostitute and then kill her grotesquely to get your money back and win the game faster."

What finer way is there to learn about the Capitalist system?

"Recent medical brain scan studies at Harvard, Indiana University, and elsewhere prove that adolescents' brain functions are damaged by a steady diet of violent images."

On the contrary, recent medical studies have shown that showing children images of happy things turns them into raging lunatics who feel the need to correlate visual violence with real life violence. It may also lead to impudence, homosexual tendencies, and the inability to blame anyone remotely related to the actual event. Still, Jack Thompson is at heart a patriot.

"I am trying to protect our freedoms. How so? When the next Columbine happens and the perpetrators are proven to be copycatters of adult-rated violent entertainment, then the government, driven by parental concern, really will contract freedom for all Americans. Safety will trump freedom."

Safety trumps freedom, I think that's in the Constitution right next to the clause that removes personal responsibility. This isn't about freedom or safety; it's about the bottom line. Of the games that contain questionable material according to Jack Thompson, all are best sellers. Whenever something bad happens, he gets to gel his hair, put on his tacky suit, and race to concur all of our deepest fears. The entertainment industry is out of control, or whatever.

Your Moment of Insanity

In 1999, Thompson filed a $130 million federal products liability lawsuit against several entertainment companies on behalf of the parents of victims of the 1997 Paducah schoolhouse shootings. These included the producers and distributors of the movie The Basketball Diaries, Internet sex website operators and a variety of videogame producers. The Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals dismissed the case in 2002.
Okay, The Basketball Diaries caused me to beat my cat, so I'm with him on that.

Your Wesley Willis Moment

Shove a broomstick up your ass. Jump your ass in a lake.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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