Thomm Quackenbush, author

Super Mario Brothers

Dear Mr. Jack Thompson,

While you have never met me, I assume you have come across a previous article written by myself for the website Xenex. Previously, I have disregarded your opinion as an attention-seeking press whore whose sole purpose on this earth is to collect money at the expense of others. This, I now know, is not the case. You care for people. You're the type of guy who would donate a liver to an orphan and not expect to suck on their spinal fluid when their immune system rejects it.

Alas, I have not come to praise you, sir. I have written to provide you with the evidence you need in order to shut down the video game genre as a whole and hopefully the entire entertainment industry in time.

This problem of adverse video game sexuality goes back to the beginning of the video game revolution. As you may or not be aware, back in the 1980's a Japanese company named Nintendo released the system that would revolutionize the industry, igniting the blaze which now consumes us at our moral base.

Along with this Nintendo Entertainment System, the company thoughtfully provided a bundle of free games. One of these games, Duck Hunt, provided the future would-be school shooter a chance to perfect his targeting ability. Along with the targets of ducks there was a dog whose sole intent was to mock the player into becoming a better shot.

However, the real sin of this system was the hugely popular Super Mario Bros. In this travesty of a game, two Italian brothers, and possibly early homosexual/hippie role models, entered a drug-induced world in order to rescue a princess in peril. By "rescue", I can only assume they meant rape, as these brothers seemed intent on violating the lovely white woman. Perhaps that was why at the conclusion of every level, the player discovers the princess has previously fled that location and the brothers.

The fact that these two brothers were plumbers relates entirely to the modern era cat burglar, as the brothers greased themselves and entered various hidden places stealing money in the process. This blatant thievery was rewarded with further opportunities to commit crimes and partake in illegal mushroom ingestion.

I was hoping to warn you to the perils of the game before bringing to point the drug use found in this horrid example of entertainment offense. By eating mushrooms, the brothers grew to gigantic proportions allowing them to "survive" battling the inhabitants of this world. The game designers are begging our adolescents to take drugs and fight the police.

After getting high and picking a flower, the ability to shoot genital herpes towards the villains of this world becomes possible. Unfortunately, this fire trick does not work on some inhabitants, forcing the player to resort to physical violence.

Players who show skill in this game eventually attempted to copycat the acts within this game. According to PETA, the death of flying turtles and walking mounds of human waste nearly doubled in the first three years of this game, eventually leading to the extinction of both species.

Regardless of you ability to proceed in this manner, understand that I will continue to play these games in order to further understand the monster that originally created these for the generation of children now committing horrifying acts all over the world.

Fight the good fight sir, don't let the herpes flinging Italians win.

I look forward to speaking of this matter in the future.

Regards,

Stevehen J. Warren

P.S.

Your Musical Moment With Green Day

Now everybody do the propaganda and sing along in the age of paranoia.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
On Amazon
On B&N
At Double Dragon