Thomm Quackenbush, author

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

It's the season of joy and heartwarming song. Everywhere you look, children frolic about suffering from their sugar overdose of Halloween, pointing to various items that television says they need. Combine this with the constant barrage of horrible music and shopping lines that seem to extend to the parking lot and you too will understand why this holiday slowly chips away at my sanity every year. I hate Christmas. Therefore, combining my hatred of Christmas and children everywhere, I've decided this Christmas is all about the dashing of dreams. Hey kids, do you want to know a secret? Santa Claus is not real. Now before the letters flow in about how irresponsible that previous statement is, keep in mind that you decided to lie to your children. How does this apply to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians? Well, Martians aren't real ether. I admit it's a stretch, but work with me here.

Mars is just another red planet, devoid of reason and emotion. It's a boring place where the children behave themselves and stare blankly ahead at Earth's pre-cable entertainment. One day, the ruler of Mars decides that Santa Claus, if cooked to a gentle brown over a flame, would make an excellent gift to his manic-depressive population. Arriving on Earth, the Martians kidnap two children who are more then eager to reveal the hiding location of the real Santa. Under the threat being posed by the Martians' advanced technology, Santa decides to go to Mars and spread Christmas cheer everywhere in the universe. Eventually we learn that Christmas is in the hearts of everybody in the world, expect in countries where children go to bed starving.

Look, I don't ask for much in my films, but when your premise is stealing Santa Claus to battle depression, you need to jump off a building. A film resulting in the concoction of science fiction and opium addiction, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a horrid work complete with bad costumes, invisible effects, and dialogue stolen from the backs of cereal boxes. The pinnacle of this film comes when a man inside robot costume scares a man in a bear costume. I kid you not. The scene itself takes twelve years off your life span. Absolutely the worst holiday movie ever conceived, it proves that with the right amount of effort and a large number of Hollywood relatives, anyone can make a movie.

Your Moment of Insanity:

The children must be allowed to be children again. They must learn to play. They must learn what it means to have fun. We need a Santa Claus on Mars.

You Should Look Out For:

  1. Santa is not only knowledgeable in Martian technology, but is capable of repairing it. Now inhale from this pipe.
  2. The leading expert on Earth believes that a Martian spaceship has landed. In his defense, he's completely insane and thinks that everything is a Martian spaceship.
  3. Children with coats can survive below zero temperatures even when they dive chest first into snow and lose precious body heat due to their stupidity.
  4. The US air force doesn't actually have airplanes, but they do have stock footage of airplanes taking off. Take that, Communism.
  5. The United States launches a counter force of spacecraft to reacquire Santa Claus, which is remarkable considering we never landed on the moon.

Did You Know:

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is on every worst movie list ever conceived. I paid a dollar for it. This means that everyday my sanity slips further away.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

Are you feeling depressed? Let Santa's lap be your first step towards find the inner child within all of us.

I love Christmas

  1. Nightmare Before Christmas
  2. The Santa Clause
  3. It's a Wonderful Life

Words Thrown Together in Hopes of Pulling in Random Google Users

"Turkey Basting Love"


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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On B&N
At Double Dragon