OnlineHost: *** You are in "Justify Your Crap Rubber's Lover". ***
Smilechick69: You have a film ready for this week's column right? I have to know what films to ignore. LOL
WizMan: The Rubber's Lover review is up and ready to go.
Smilechick69: Where do you come up with these films?
WizMan: You'd be surprised at how many bargains there are out there.
Smilechick69: You provide an important service for us all. What's this film all about?
WizMan: It's a Japanese cyberpunk epic about a scientific experiment gone awry. It's written and directed by a guy named Shozin Fukui who's an underground legend in the S&M community. Some scientist got together and decided to create a being that's capable of telekinesis.
Smilechick69: He moves things with his mind, that's cool.
WizMan: You haven't heard anything yet. Anyway, this little collection of scientist finally gets one of their subjects to respond. Unfortunately, getting a needle of ether popped into your testicles everyday does not lead to sanity. He escapes and the rest of the film is this barrage of insanity as the subject uses his powers to dispatch his oppressors.
Smilechick69: Sounds like a decent flick.
Smilechick69: It doesn't have your usual taste of weird.
WizMan: Did I mention that one of the scientists spends the majority of the film in a pair of black Speedos?
Smilechick69: That's not so hard to explain, most scientist's like working in comfortable clothes. Maybe after a long day at the office, he likes to take a quick dip. You'd be surprised at how sexy you feel after a good swim.
WizMan: What about the naked fat woman in the Buddha pose that appears to you right after you go insane?
Smilechick69: I guess you're right, that's why I love you.
WizMan: Machines turning people into Tang, electrocuting someone with the power of the vagina unleashed, the shaking and all that stuff. It's all weird.
WizMan: They keep going on and on and just when you think you've seen it all, out pops some unusual tidbit of insanity.
Smilechick69: I'm wearing a coat made of Cheetos. Would you like to hear more?
WizMan: People vomited at the premiere of this film and the director makes note to highlight that little detail in the extras. What is that man, what the hell? I mean everyone at some point is tempted to make an odd film about nothing in particular, that's why there's Community College.
Smilechick69: I want you inside of my ear.
WizMan: I can't go on about this film anymore. I mean there has to be a point when common sense rips into your chest and pulls out your heart revealing the inner turmoil of just pure insanity while screaming, "Stop it. For God in Heaven stop it." I've never been afraid of a film before, but Rubber's Lover broke all rules, sending me into a state of childlike wonderment crying for someone, anyone to comfort my shivering naked form.
Smilechick69: I'm here for you.
Wizman: You always have been.
Smilechick69: Now take off your pants.
Wizman: This time you get to be Xena and I'll be the baker. *The previous conversation, while incredibly unentertaining, is based upon no real people. Stevehen does not actually enter chat rooms and his friends are well aware that he does not actually get naked. Instead, he's devised a suit made of his flaked skin that he wears at all times. I'm like the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, without the ability to dance or the great background music.*
Your Moment of Insanity:
Rectal injection for instant effect.
Look Out For:
If licking the face of someone who's obviously freaking out does not help, then it's time to start the slapping. Then, when he finally does calm down, grab a bottle of milk, you deserve it.
His eyes are rolling around in his head. Give him some drugs already.
Pose down time comes after ripping off your clothes and removing that plastic see-through jacket. On a side note, that middle aged Asian guy puts me to shame.
Take two women in an elevator, hook a machine to their vaginas, and electrocute the naked Speedo guy. This is the greatest scene ever.
Another way to watch your favorite film is to grab the end of the reel and pull hard and quickly. I'm not sure if that actually works, but who am I to judge this film?
Coolness of the DVD:
A second disc film consisting of deleted pieces of the original film set to new music. This seems like cheating, but who am I to say?
A Stevehenish Tagline:
Science created him.
He created a naked woman in a Buddha pose.
Drugs are bad.
Al Capone gunned down my brother. He killed him with an Uzi submachine gun.
Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.
If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.