Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Ring

Okay, so I just saw the creepiest thing ever. My friend Jessica -- who by the way is a total slut because she went to the prom with Brad when everybody knows he was going to ask me -- and I watched this freaky tape. All right, back story. You might be asking yourself why on earth would I want to hang out with Jessica, who is just a dirty slut. Well I heard from Sam who heard from that creepy janitor guy that Jessica was really into disco. So, I brainstormed and decided to go to the mall and pick up one of those old disco tapes. My plan was to lure into comfort and then stab her to death with my sharpened Tickle Me Elmo. Well, since disco is dead, I asked the adorably cute desk clerk to give me the next best thing. The next thing I know, he gives me this VHS tape. So like, didn't VHS go the way of the 8 track? Anyway, I popped some popcorn and Jessica and I watched this movie.

It all started with a ring of white light, which was the lamest excuse for a beginning of like all time. I mean who is afraid of a ring? So then, all this weird stuff popped on the scene. There was a cow, a lake of blood, and then this Puritan woman went cliff diving. Then there was all this furniture and stuff spinning around upside down, it was like some strange kind of ad for Home Depot. Then it got weird, because they shoved Christina Ricci in a well and she was really pissed off looking. Jessica thought the whole thing was some middle school art project or an attempt by some Emo kid at illuminating his pain at the World Trade Organization.

Anyway, then we got the strangest call and the voice said that in seven days we were going to get some fries. So I was like, "Awesome, I love fries." I didn't like the idea of waiting for seven days to get the fries, but you can't always get what you want. Jessica thought she heard that in seven days we were going to die. "No way," I said. "Why would Christina Ricci want to kill us? Casper wasn't that bad." Okay, seven days later Jessica and I are hanging as usual and all of the sudden my television starts peeing all over the floor. Jessica was freaked out because on the screen Christina Ricci was walking slowly towards us. We could have run and all, but what was the point?

Then we both totally just died. Like, literally.

The End

Put your truck in gear and run through the plot holes. The Ring is a sad attempt at the realm of horror mocking both the audience and the original work, Ringu that it was based on. The piracy, however, does not end there. Look for scenes excessively similar to The Sixth Sense. People unfortunately paid to watch this, so of course they are making a sequel. Thanks guys.

Your moment of insanity:

I spent four hours on the internet and I could not find one single case of a sixteen-year-old girl's heart just stopping. I spoke to three different doctors and not one of them could tell me exactly what happened to my daughter. (I believe her heart stopped, that usually qualifies as a cause of death. I want my medical degree.)

Did you know:

The first time I saw this movie, I thought I had a problem with my tracking and then I remembered it was a DVD. I am such an idiot.

Turn off the lights and watch a scary movie:

  1. Creepshow
  2. Night of the Living Dead
  3. The Sixth Sense


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



Justify Your Crap
Justify Menu


website counter


eXTReMe Tracker



Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
On Amazon
On B&N
At Double Dragon