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Revenge Quest

Today, class, we have a very special treat. Now I know that all of you are nervous with the finals quickly approaching, but I assure you no one in this class is going to fail. Let us just say your old professor has reconsidered his position on life. Sometimes in this world, we fall to the trappings of our pessimism. When we fall this way, it is important to remember that, by a simple act of compare and contrast, our work takes on a new perspective. Case in point, the mind blowing nature of this gem called Revenge Quest. Remember when I said that some movies are art, some come about with the help of the Devil, and some movies are just for the sole purpose of causing nightmares? Well, Revenge Quest falls into the latter two categories.

Welcome to Los Angeles, the year is 2031, and Trent McKormick has returned for -- what else? -- revenge. Apparently, Trent was a bad boy and, in the future, bad boys go to the planet Mars, the Alcatraz of the cosmos. Managing to escape the planet and travel three days across the universe undetected in the glove compartment an intergalactic cruiser, Trent turns his brooding focus towards Julie Meyers, the one eye witness who put him away in the first place. In his way is one of the City of Angels finest detectives, Rick Castle, who is simply a walking ad against PETA with the face of our very own Zack. Speaking of walking, they do it a lot in this film. If you are a fan of sweating to the oldies or aerobic exercises, then you will love this movie. If you manage to remain seated through this movie, then congratulation, you have no soul.

Story aside, the real focus of this movie are the technical achievements, whether it is the guns that fire imaginary bullets, the shoddy unfocused camera work, or the minutes of the film where the sound suddenly disappears. I kid you not. Somewhere in the production/marketing of this piece, probably in the infinite wisdom of the director or the obviously tight budget, the sound was misplaced. Maybe I missed something here, but usually movies have sound, with the exception of Mimes Away, the story of parachuting mimes that infiltrate the Third Reich, but I digress.

This movie proves that anyone, and I mean anyone, can write a movie. The dialogue is choppy at best, comprised of a mixture of the ramblings of homeless men and the seizure induced rhetoric of cocaine withdrawal. Forget the idea of a thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters writing Shakespeare. If you took a thousand monkeys, infusing them with the DNA of Pauley Shore, and gave them crayons, I guarantee you the result would be this film.

Class dismissed.

Things you should look out for...

  1. In the future, the florescent bulb industry is booming.
  2. Apparently, one job of the future is running fast by windows holding a flash light.
  3. The film makers had enough money to rent a rain machine but did not want to spend a hundred bucks on a boom mike.

How I would improve...

  1. Forget the future world idea, use the money saved from the purchasing of florescent bulbs to hire Steve Oedekerk to direct and Industrial Light and Magic to produce a giant animated cow. Include a laugh track and sell idea to UPN, because they will buy anything.

Favorite Quote Taken Completely Out of Context: "I locked the door Doug, there's no way out."

Do you like your action movies with plot & sound? Then maybe you should try these...

  1. Underworld
  2. Vampire Effect
  3. The Street Fighter

A note: This movie is available only through the collection entitled Kill or be Killed, along with three other cinematic gems. Or by some miracle or clerical mistake could be released by itself, although that would be sheer insanity.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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