Thomm Quackenbush, author

Reefer Madness

Technically, Reefer Madness is not a movie, but a scare tactic generating machine. Technically, I am not a movie reviewer. I am a mountain Yeti. Therefore, when the chance to watch this horrifyingly realistic movie about the dangers of drugs arose, I fled my mountain hideaway and hiked my way across this great nation. What started as just another review became so much more. This may well be the most important commentary on the evil of marijuana you will ever read. The case against marijuana is such that there can be no real debate about it. If you smoke marijuana, then you are just counting the days until you run someone over in your car or turn state's witness only to sky dive out a twelve story window.

The subject is such that it demands the attention of everyone, even those with short attention spans. This is for the children, people, if not yours. Then Yours. THEN YOURS. I am looking your way, Xen.

First, let us look at the facts as truthfully portrayed in the film.

  1. Marijuana will steal your soul and make you completely insane. Just like Scientology.
  2. Marijuana will make you a poor tennis player, but will make you an excellent piano player. Just like Tom Waits except you will play faster. PLAY IT FASTER!
  3. Marijuana is found everywhere in our great nation. Except in Idaho, because everybody knows there is nothing worthwhile in Idaho.

The movie itself is more Bible fact than fiction and, since I am primarily a reporter, I decided an actual investigation into the subject was needed. Therefore, I went to the local soda shop. After sitting around for four hours, I went up to the soda jerk and laid down some slang commonly used by the marijuana addicts. What follows is the actual transcript.

Me: Hey daddy jerker, where do I get some happy mouth leaves?
Him: What did you call me?
Me: Relax man; I just need to know where I can get my hands on some of the sweetness filled bakery.
Him: You want a bun or something?
Me: No, I need some marijuana.
(At this point, the clerk storms off to the back for a moment.)
Boss: Get out of my store.
Me: Relax man. The Stevehen is wire-free. I just need some info on the jive instillation of this burg.
Boss: I'm calling the police.

Apparently, much to my dismay, 911 is not a joke in my town. While I could have blamed Public Enemy for this faulty information, I decided it was best just to burn down the establishment for the safety of the kids.

Your Moment of Hard Fact:

"It is only through knowledge, that we can safely protect them. Failing this, the next tragedy may be of your daughter. Or yours. OR YOURS. OR YOURS..." Okay, we get it.

Things You Should Look Out For:

  1. They had public cigarette smoking ice-cream parlors back in the 1930's. This means I was born in the wrong era.
  2. I love Shakespeare. So when the director of this film included the most offensive rendition of Romeo and Juliet ever. Well, it almost made me start smoking marijuana, but then I realized it would drive me insane. Therefore, I am back to square one.
  3. Apparently, little things like motive or witnesses are not needed for murder trials, not when the accused is a known partaker of the marijuana.

Marijuana inspired a lot:

  1. The Wheel
  2. The Republican National Convention in NYC
  3. Star Wars


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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