Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Rapture

The end of the world is coming and, if you're lucky, you may just miss out. It's Armageddon week and, from the people that brought us the joys of Creationism and Original Sin, comes the little bliss known as the Rapture.

For those of you who love hack writing, there's a whole series of Left Behind books for your enjoyment. The gist of the story is that one day soon, all the people who believe in Jesus will be sucked up to Heaven. The rest of us will be judged individually and battle a dragon while Satan makes his second play for the earth. Afterwards, there will be a period of peace for anyone who manages to make it through and eventually the world blows up, but not before the spaceship behind the comet takes all the Nike track runners away.

Travelers to Heaven have tons of questions and people with no actual knowledge of Heaven have the answers. For the sake of resurrecting the Ask Zack column and corrupting it, I'll be the answerer to any of your God/religious questions around these parts. Now keep in mind these are actual questions appearing at www.raptureready.com, as for the answers it helps being insane.

What will heaven be like?
Are you a big fan of clouds and pool? Well, you're in luck. Heaven is like a giant timeshare without the swampland and that guy from CHiPS. Space is indeed vast, like the upper deck seating at a Tampa Ray Devil Ray game, you too will be able to kick back and watch as the people you loved in life are one by one thrown into the fiery pits of damnation.

Is money utilized in Heaven?
Indeed it is. The monetary system utilized in heaven is a mixture of Franklin mint pieces and chocolate Jewish coins.

Do animals have souls?
They only have souls if they tell you to do things. Like kill people. If this is the case, then it is best to do whatever they ask, to deny them the blood of the damned is to deny God himself.

What is witchcraft?
Witchcraft is the combination of the word witch and craft.

A Christian friend has terribly wronged me. What can I do about it?
You should harm him in the same way. For instance, if he drugged and slept with your cat, you should do the same to him.

Did Adam and Eve have a navel?
Silly rabbit, only sinners have navels.

Are you worried about your nonreligious friends and family? Well, fear not the fine people at www.ratureletters.com are more than happy to send your sinful friends and family a letter telling them exactly where you are. Imagine waking up and finding this little gem in your inbox.

Dear Friend;

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.

The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.

If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation, the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)

In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of God in order to believe this.

I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.

It will sound like the truth!

But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him and made Him their Lord.

If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is not too late. First you must pray to God saying, "Father I admit I am a sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus name I pray."

If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to bring others to Christ.

God bless you.

With a send off like that, you'd better make damn sure you're on that list to heaven, because it's going to look stupid if you're seen walking around after the delivery of this little gem. Since I have no doubt, I'm on the short list to Heaven, and my vanity holds no bounds, working with the fine people at www.xenex.org, I've prepared a system that will automatically send an email after my departure.

Dear Friend,

Stevehen J. Warren has sent this letter to you to let you know he will be unable to meet you at the local eatery and/or pawn shop. This may come as a surprised to you, but he is one of the millions of people currently going to heaven. Yeah, he seemed shocked as well, but if you have to go, then you have to go.

The reason he chose to send you this letter is not to brag. It would be so easy to mock you at this moment, him going to heaven, while you must prepare to battle dragons and such. He's sending you this letter because he loved you. To be fair though, he didn't love you as much as he loved the feeling he got when he was around you.

If you read the Bible, after chapter three in the book of Revelation, the church is not mentioned as being on earth. This is because all churches are interplanetary space ships designed to propel upward when the environmental brimstone and fire quotas predetermined by the Vatican occur. Indeed, with your daily routine of work/gun show attendance, it would be all too easy to miss the departure of our church. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Since Jesus at this time does not acknowledge any further trips to the earth, we would like to thank you in advance for your faith in him, rest assured you're screwed.

God Bless You.

P.S. Demons hate water. If you notice the pattern of crop circles, they appear to be staying away from the water. I'm thinking of moving out towards the lake, anything would be better then waiting here to die. Swing away.

Don't say I never send you anything.

Your friends are sinners. Jesus isn't activating the space vacuum for them. Let them know

Your Blessed E-Mail:

Your "Friend's" Sinful E-mail:

Name:



Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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