Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Poughkeepsie Seer

Prepare yourselves, your very beings, for a magical journey through the mystical world of making a buck at the expense of others. For some reason or another, people love believing in this crap and, since I love mocking others, you can see where this is going.

Welcome to Poughkeepsie. If you thought the only wacko that came out of this city was Ed Wood, you'd be mistaken. Andrew Jackson Davis was just your typical undereducated kid when a quack hypnosis expert failed to put this jackass into a sleep-like state. Have no fear, where the "expert" failed, a lowly tailor was able to put the boy under and the result was an often hilarious romp into pure randomness where logical thought is thrown out the window into the street below. As with every superhero comic, Davis awoke with the strange ability to look at a patient and discovered what ailed them. It gets better.

In 1844, Davis wandered 40 miles from his home in a trancelike state, met up with Emanuel Swedenborg and Galen, who happened to be dead, before leaving with a mystical healing rod. What is a person with a healing rod and the ability to see through patients going to do with their life? Write a couple of books, of course. Remarkably, due to his connection to the dead Swede Swedenborg, Davis managed to create a second rate Bible story sprinkled with reworded passages from a book written by Swedenborg called The Economy of the Animal Kingdom. This is probably just a coincidence and a reaffirmation of Davis remarkable ability to read works released in the United States. Since we're on the subject, I've written a book about a dinosaur inhabited island where science dooms man, the working title is Dinosaur Dance Craze


To truly appreciate the madness and rampart idiocy of his works, it is important to note Davis' ability to "predict" according to his followers, future inventions. Let's see what he had to say about the typewriter.

Andrew Jackson Davis' Penetralia in 1856:
"I am almost moved to invent an automatic psychographer - that is, an artificial soul-writer. It may be constructed something like a piano, one brace or scale of keys to represent the elementary sounds; another and lower tier to represent a combination, and still another for a rapid recombination so that a person, instead of playing a piece of music, may touch off a sermon or a poem."

That could be a typewriter, considering the fact that every single typewriter comes with the scale of magical sound keys or it could be a stretch at crediting a mystic with some kind of foresight ability. For the record, in 1829 William Burt patented what many believe to be the actual predecessor to the typewriter. In other words, you can not predict something when it already exists or apply ramblings to an invention simply because it has some similarities. Maybe my skepticism is farfetched, I'm sure he'll do better with his vision of the modern automobile.

"Look out about these days for carriages and traveling saloons on country roads - without horses, without steam, without any visible motive power - moving with greater speed and far more safety than at present. Carriages will be moved by a strange and beautiful and simple admixture of aqueous and atmospheric gases - so easily condensed, so simply ignited, and so imparted by a machine somewhat resembling fire engines as to be entirely concealed and manageable between the forward wheels. These vehicles will prevent many embarrassments now experienced by persons living in thinly-populated territories. The first requisite for these land-locomotives will be good roads, upon which, with your engine, without your horses, you may travel with great rapidity. These carriages seem to be of uncomplicated construction."

He predicted a gas engine vehicle. Well, so did Samuel Brown who converted a steam power engine to run on gas in 1829 and managed to drive it around London, you freaking shaman prick. One more sample in the next paragraph try to pinpoint the exact moment where sanity exits from Mr. Davis.

"It is a truth that spirits commune with one another while one is in the body and the other in the higher spheres - and this, too, when the person in the body is unconscious of the influx, and hence cannot be convinced of the fact; and this truth will ere long present itself in the form of a living demonstration. And the world will hail with delight the ushering-in that era when the interiors of men will be opened, and the spiritual communion will be established such as is now being enjoyed by the inhabitants of Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn."

What do we learn from the life of Mr. Davis? People will buy anything, even the reworded works of others, if they believe that you hold some mystical solution to their real problems. It's sad really. Everything ended up okay for Mr. Davis though. He moved to Boston and opened a book store, selling his herb medicine until the day he died which, by the way, he had to the foresight to predict. He was wrong on this point as well.

Your Moment of Insanity:

"Then appears something white and shining, like a human head; next, in a very few moments, a faint outline of the face divine; then the fair neck and beautiful shoulders; then, in rapid succession, come all parts of the new body down to the feet - a bright, shining image, a little smaller than its physical body, but a perfect prototype, or reproduction in all, except its disfigurements."

That's just crazy.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush