Thomm Quackenbush, author

Paine jnr

Title
Chips

The Good

This would put a child to sleep and the elderly could make puzzles to it as they stare off in the distance, trying to remember a time that their bodies didn't smell of death.

The Bad

Part fantasy and completely irrelevant, the author tries to introduce a world only to disregard it in the end. Really, it could've just started with the horse and ended there, but you just had to set the scene.

The Review

Paine jnr--because internet writers love little red lines under their names--spins a tale of fantasy and livestock in a story meant for children. I'm reviewing this because, surprisingly, it's on my summer reading list. Teacher says that soon I'll be ready to play with the big children. Yay for me.

Let's lay the scene dear reader. Close your eyes and picture yourself in a world not much different from our own world. Now explain to me how you're going to read this with your eyes closed. Anyway, the author's job is to make me want to set up a summer home in this little world. Let's see how it works out.

"The fields are greener than the greenest grass you've seen. The water is fresher and cleaner than any of our machines can make. There is always a breeze in summer, and it never snows too much in winter."

Nothing much happens and the ecosystem seems to be going under some type of stasis stress where all the seasons bleed into each other, creating nothing more than a land of highly advanced bacteria, which would likely wipe out most of the species later described as living in said area. That's right, I just killed most of these animals with my words and make-believe science.

In addition to the bodies of various species that would likely be rotting in the sustained temperature of this ark purgatory, there are quite a few extra special genus swimming in this pool.

"But would you ever have dreamed you'd find mermaids? Would you have believed there were werewolves? Would you have even considered dragons, unicorns, elves, cockatrices, pixies or fairies? Start believing."

This is the most horrifying place ever conceived by the human mind. Not only do I not want to live there, I'm thinking of gathering some villagers together and raiding this land if only to kill werewolves. Unfortunately, this plan is for naught because there are no villagers, plenty of freaking mythical beast, but no one around to kill the freaking animals of death with their torches. This is supposed to be a child's story, why are there werewolves? Werewolves love to eat the faces off children; people have done research on the subject, it's a fact. Dragons breathe fire. No, I think you've created a mad world where the laws of evolution stop just long enough to terrify every living person well enough that they have no desire to live there. This is likely restate fraud, Shaggy. Let's check it out.

"The horse is swift and athletic. It will carry a rider, packs or anything else over hundreds of miles. It will race with the wind and jump higher than a stag."

Meanwhile the dragon breathes fire and kills people on horseback, but you never mentioned that in the brochure. None of this description matters. As it turns out, the story is about a crossbred horse and her ability to run quickly. This effectively make everything said up to this point completely meaningless and not only wasted my time, but your time as well. Feel offended reader, become wrath.

"Haflinger blood made her naturally sure-footed with small yet very mobile and pretty ears. Akhal-Teke blood, combined with the Arabian blood, made her exceptionally talented at endurance and she could go for miles, and had a god deal of ability for other competitions. The only trace of Paint blood was her colour.
Yet nobody seemed to notice any of her assets…"

That's it. Why we should care about this horse is for some reason not addressed. The moral in the end is something about acceptance of race, but that's likely a stretch by me to interpret something into this piece. Why we had to travel to this godforsaken place of death is unknown.

Nothing makes sense, not even the ending...

Your Moment of Insanity

"If you live in Mile Isle, you can be sure you're one happy bunny."

Your Musical Moment Provided By Kids for Christmas

I wish an angel of God. I wish I was an angel with a great big angel choir. I would sing the songs of praise that quench the Devil's fire.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush