Thomm Quackenbush, author

Matthew Gedeon


The Good

It will likely scare the Jesus out of Bible-thumpers, sending them directly to their book to protect themselves from all types of imaginary things.

The Bad

Much like most Christian writing, it assumes the reader is completely insane and references the Bible. Chances are, if anything actually dangerous occurs, reading it will only prolong your death, as it will likely anger whatever it is that happens to be attacking you at the time.

The Review

Do you want to hear something terrifying? Perhaps you fancy a bump in the night. This is excellent timing because I have a twisted tale for you this evening; this is the tale of Melinda and her fanciful trip into a world of madness. Vincent Price would be proud. Fear the life of repetitive boredom.

Five years passed in this no-nonsense manner before she realized that her life was as empty as her pocketbook was full. She had become so accustomed to life that she couldn't even enjoy the simple things anymore. As she mulled over these thoughts in her mind one night, her eyes wandered about, viewing anything that happened to be outside her window. She thought she could see something moving across the street from her house. Yes... there was definitely someone dancing around a fire in the woods...

Let's see there's a chipmunk, a pair of squirrels having sex, that fat kid attempting to be a Jedi andů Holy Crap! Guy dancing around a fire. This is remarkably not scary. Call me when the guy is in the fire, melting and cursing your family in Latin. Call me when this happens and stop worrying about people dancing around fires. It's likely a kid getting high or one of those Wiccan kids. They like fire you know, the fire of timeless Hell. However this live interpreted dance program is not the only odd thing happening.

Dark, shadowed figures waited outside her door. They just stood there, or hovered, or existed...she wasn't quite sure, but the melody they sang had a trance like quality to it.

You are empty, let us fill you.
You are hungry, let us feed you.
You want meaning, there is power.
All you have to do is let us in.

The appearance of these creatures was frightening at first, but after she heard the song, how could she not let them in? She had been longing for just what they offered. How could it hurt to hear them out?

Bask in the fright of poorly written poetry. I said bask.

It can't hurt to hear them out. It's not as if they're the guy dancing around the fire. No, these are just a couple people in dark robes wandering the night and spreading their love of poetry. Melinda is horrified by a guy dancing around fire but has no problem with Jehovah's Witnesses.

Flash forward to five years later. As Dr. Feindricks, likely an internet graduate specializing in the field of Satanism, finds himself out of gas on a dusty road. Walking through town he comes across a woman in white and, let us just say, it is a good thing his graduation package came with a Bible.

From his mouth came the word he had hoped never to have to use, "I rebuke you satan, and I command you to leave her right now!"

Surprisingly, this works and Melinda goes onto live a life of happiness.

Your Moment of Insanity

From the woman came a laugh that could have petrified a tree. It was followed by, "You think you can stop us? Poor deranged human. You will see the darkness that kills." and with that, the demons started to choke both the shopkeeper and the woman.

Your Musical Moment Provided By Iron and Wine

Don't you waste me in the ground, I lay smiling like a sleeping children, one of us will die inside these arms. Eyes wide open, naked as we came.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush