Thomm Quackenbush, author

Lost in Translation

Americans are a depressed lot when you stop to think about it. It all comes down to the grueling responsibility that comes with nation building and bossing around the smaller nations. Our problem is that we have all these cool weapons of mass destruction and we have no one to use them on anymore. Since we can't blow people up in real life, Hollywood has to work very hard to provide the world with entertainment. Would you prefer your entertainment based around French movies? Right, of course you would. The cure to this depression is, of course, a vacation to another culture completely different from our own. The nations of the world are starting to get smarter than us and turning their societies into a fragmented version of our own. The result, in ten years Americans will have nowhere to vacation. You'd better use those frequent flier miles while you still can.

Bob Harris went to Japan to plug whiskey. Charlotte went to Japan to cry like a little punk. You know we have to get these two cats together. After a random meeting in a hotel bar, the whiskey plugging madman and the depressed smart girl decide that they should branch out into the wilds of the Japanese city. A weird sense of child molesting love follows as Bob Harris and Charlotte prance about Japan, showing everyone why the rest of the world hates American tourist. Just when you think sparks are about to fly, Bob remembers he's married and the deal is off.

Bob Harris would rather do a play than get two million dollars. This might sound like a vague attempt at attention, but give me the two million dollars. The product could be a gun designed to propel frozen squirrels, it doesn't matter. Give me the two million dollars. Directed by the wondrously talented Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation is a mixture of love and loneliness. Bill Murray is, as usual, one of the best American actors alive and Scarlett Johansson plays the lost dreamy Charlotte to a T. This film works because it develops it characters, a modern example of a stranger in a strange land, it should serve as inspiration to moviegoers and moviemaker everywhere.

I'm working on making a drinking game for this film, not that you care or anything. In the meantime, rent the film. It's mixture of humor and seriousness that blends itself into a well told story. It's an essential, people.

Your Moment of Insanity:

This is not whiskey. This is ice tea. If you gave me real whiskey...

You Should Look Out For:

  1. They have the best video games in Japan. Why can't we get games with dancing noodles in this country? Tell me how to get noodles to dance in America.
  2. Japan just looks awesome. One day I'd like to go, but I'm never going to amount to anything. I am so depressed. Well, nothing left to do but get drunk and beat up homeless people.
  3. In Japan, they read comic books everywhere. Welcome to the country of dorks. They sound like my group of people. Now rip my stocking, you little slut, and look at me while you do it.
  4. In the beginning of the film, when the whiskey commercial director is going completely nuts, we are led to believe this is a result of his Japanese heritage. I've worked with many directors in my stage and crap, under-budget film career. They're all like that.
  5. Matthew's Best Hit TV is the greatest show ever. Would my Japanese connection please tell me this is an actual show, or a lie created by Hollywood to crush my dreams? If it's a real show, you need to get me the complete DVD collection.

Did You Know:

They shot this movie entirely in Japan except in the first part where we have to look at Scarlett Johansson's ass for twenty minutes. That's actually my ass. It just doesn't seem as sexy anymore, does it? You can go back to thinking about Scarlett Johansson if that helps. Do you like the idea of my ass instead? That's your problem, because I love the women.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

It's like An American Werewolf in Paris, except there are no werewolves and the actual movie takes place in Japan. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

Movies That Need Translation

  1. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
  2. St. John's Wort
  3. Ninja Scroll

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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