Thomm Quackenbush, author

LondonzBurning

The Good
Republicans will likely find some hidden humor within it. That's not saying much considering they have no sense of humor.

The Bad
It's crazy. No, crazier than that. Picture yourself walking into your house to find a naked man holding the severed head of Allen Iverson while humming the Star Spangled Banner, all while spewing a mixture of marbles and goldfish onto the floor. It's a registered brand of crazy.

The Review

This is a tale about the repetition of road life. Tour the country, set up shows, play music for ungrateful Limeys who have the nerve to sing American Idiot, pack up and repeat the process. What happens when Green Day is not bust counting their money or hating people with money - note irony - well, they bang. That's bread and butter right there, straightforward and to the point, doesn't get any clearer than that.

"Miiiiiike!!!" Billie whined in his most frustrated voice, "Entertain meee!!!" Mike just laughed.
"Sorry man, Im only skilled in the arts of entertaining women." Billie smiled at the sudden naughty thoughts coursing through his mind.

Mike has no other skills besides entertaining women. Now you might wonder who plays the instrument if Mike doesn't because, in my book, playing an instrument is an art. Here's a little known fact: back in the 1990's, there was a band named Harvey Danger. They were a horrible band composed of scruffy little emo kids. This has no relevance to anything other than the fact that there's someone reading this right now that has never heard of Harvey Danger. Rest assured, you make me feel old. Besides, I hear Mike makes mean tacos and is quite capable of creating balloon animals, thank you very much.

Anyway, this horrid dialogue continues unrelentingly until eventually the good stuff starts. By good stuff, I mean progression towards the end of this story.

"Oh, so that's the kinda stuff you like, huh?"
Billie blushed and nodded. "you already knew that about me…" he mumbled.
"Well, then maybe I'll have to be a little more rough with you."

Do you think maybe that you want to bash his head in with a pipe? That would be partially interesting. If only Mike could spice this up. I wonder if, by suggesting something in this paragraph, it will somehow affect the following paragraph. I wonder...

Mike nodded and pushed in, Billie tensed and cursed in pain, but Mike hardly noticed due to the amazing sensations flooding through his entire body.

Mike is composed completely of happy fun juice, making any experience completely positive and relaxing. Children have wandered into traffic after licking his back. See, the chemical composition of Mike is a type of euphoric juice composed of various substances both illegal and legal. He's very popular.

After this moment of happiness, the most awkward sexual experience occurs, leaving the censors who block most of my good ideas spinning in their Fascist graves. Rest assured, it's a twisted love affair and in no way involves chainsaws or the box scores of the 1987 Toronto Blue Jays, sorry to disappoint. Still, it all ends well.

This great thing happened. Mike kissed him and he kissed back. And as Mike lay there, running his cool fingers through his love's jet-black spikes, he felt all of his previous feelings come flooding back with a vengeance.

A vengeance not known since Bruce Wayne had inadvertently led his parents into the alleyway after that movie. Bruce remembered his father had chipped a tooth on some popcorn and it was that momentary distraction which allowed the madman to ambush the Wayne family. Pearls crackled as they rolled against the wet pavement and young Bruce Wayne held his parents' bodies. Months later, Bruce recalled this feeling as he threw on his underwear and prepared to head off into the night. To fight crime, to fight the same forces that had robbed him of childhood, he became the Batman and he rocked to Jesus of Suburbia, because that is the greatest song ever written.

Fear not citizens of Gotham, the author ends our tale with the sharing his love of board games and promising more quality writing.

End of Chapter UNO!!!

Draw four LondonzBurning, for the love of God, draw four.

Your Moment of Insanity
No details, just a boozy mutual warmth which left us with requisite hangovers and a sense of dazed dismay that sparked Mike smiled happily. "Yes sir." He said with a salute and yanked his own pants and boxers off. Billie's eyes widened at the sight before him.

Your Musical Moment With Harvey Danger
I'm not sick, but I'm not well.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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