Thomm Quackenbush, author

Labyrinth

Leonard Maltin likes everything. Remember the time when you were in high school and you had the art teacher that liked every project you ever submitted? Leonard probably started his career as that art teacher, but preferred the movies, because you don't get free popcorn and soda when you slug you soul for a union that goes on strike every three years. Anyway, somewhere between gouging his eyes out and then subsequently selling his soul to syndication, Leonard decided he would never see a movie he didn't like. Thus a legend was born. I fancy myself as the exact opposite of Mr. Martin, the key to his lock so to say. Apart we move about wielding our opinions to anyone to hear, together the world would end in a glorious rage of hollow light. My point is that Leonard Maltin likes this movie.

Do you remember that saying, "Be careful what you wish for?" When a babysitter Sarah, played by a young Jennifer Connelly, wishes her step-brother away, he actually vanishes. Taken by the Goblin King, played by David Bowie, Sarah must now descend into her favorite book and take back her step brother at all cost. Does it sound hokey? Now add a gaggle of puppets created by the Henson workshop. Is it still not odd enough? Fine, the puppets can sing and dance with Ziggy Stardust, but I want some banana bread with walnuts. Using her youthful charm, Sarah befriends some allies and together they save her baby step-brother and everybody sings a song. Why won't they stop singing?

Jim Henson directed the film and George Lucas squeezed out some gold bars for the production, so the film looks good. Jennifer Connelly is both endearing and innocent and plays well with the supporting cast of foam coated hands. David Bowie captures his role of creepiness and generally looks and acts as if he would want to take babies. Overall, the human cast does well. Unfortunately, interacting with puppets was not a required course at acting school and so the fumbling awkwardness of the unsure cast shows. In the end, the film would make a better book, or Saturday afternoon special.

This movie is extremely unusual at points, terrifying in others. Still, Labyrinth is a beautiful looking film that comes forth with a blinding, odd storyline. You probably saw it as a kid, but trust me when I say you have to see it again. It's that drug induced.

Your Moment of Insanity:

Beware for the path you will take will lead to certain destruction. Thank you very much.

Things You Should Look Out For:

  1. David Bowie looks like he enjoyed making this film and I'm not talking about that smile on his face. This is where we are thankful for codpieces.
  2. I wrote a song about how evil I am. Do you want to hear it? Okay, here we go.
  3. Embryos tied on to wooden sticks make great weapons and a carbohydrate free snack.
  4. Pyrotechnic Jamaican puppets thrusting about in front of a poorly constructed green screen, removing their heads... okay who wants to rob a bank?
  5. The Bog of Eternal Stench... or the bowels of Newark for those who have never been to Jersey.

Puppets are cool

  1. Meet the Feebles
  2. The Storyteller
  3. The Dark Crystal


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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