Thomm Quackenbush, author

Jeepers Creepers 2

I need something tattooed on my butt. Maybe a dragon would look cool with some multicolored flames marking the entrance into my ass.

It's story time. Did you know that in high school, I wasn't very cool? Shocking, isn't it? Now that I've been in the real world for a little while, I realize I will never overcome my station in life. I'm a dork. That's no excuse, however, for not being hot. I am so freaking hot. No, seriously, those of you who have seen me naked will testify to the fact that I am more or less the hottest person on the face of the planet, outside of that dreamy John Candy. Uncool people can be hot. All I need is a director willing to hire someone as hotly cool as myself to dance erotically on the screen.

Our story starts with a returning track team whose bus breaks down somewhere along the great American back roads. When the driver discovers a throwing star made from human body parts, the world of high school social order takes presence, with the jocks and cheerleaders fumbling about wondering what to do when the batteries to their iPods run out. Eventually, after a period of time meant to build suspense, the Creeper arrives and winks at his intended victims. I know, here's a bucket for all that nasty vomit you have coming up. At this point, those not marked should have walked out of the bus and waved their doomed friends adieu, but alas, nothing of the sort occurs. Enter the hero of the film, a man whose son was killed twenty-three years ago. In the period between the Creeper's attacks, he's grafted a harpoon on the back of his pickup truck. You may at this point figure out where this is going and, let's just say, if you can't then stop sniffing the glue. No, seriously it makes your brain die.

The writer/director of the film Victor Salva seems like a cool guy who casts newcomers in his films. Unfortunately, none of these fresh faces can act to save their lives and the lines, while wonderfully written, are delivered with all the grace of a bad acid trip. People who've never acted before are bad, you shouldn't hire them to be in your movie, okay? The majority of the movie takes place on this broken down school bus, which is fine and should give the director plenty of time to persuade the audience to like the cast. This never happens. Add in the excessively used CGI and Houston we have a problem.

Not to straddle the fence here, but I really don't know if I like this film or not. I mean the acting is horrible, but the premise is nothing if not original. I'll just have to get drunk and argue the point with myself.

Your Moment of Insanity:

Open the fucking doors, man. This is my bus too, man.

Look Out For:

  1. Don't come in here and eat until your done hugging those scarecrows. I said hug them damn it, and make yourself look sexy while doing it. That's my son, such a good boy. Now lick your arm.
  2. The cheerleaders of the film stop at one point and have a smoke. They needed something to take the taste of man out of their mouths. That was a cheap shot.
  3. In the six hours that this bus remains stranded on the side of the road, not one single car passes. At least they have a radio. Nope, that doesn't work either. The bus has officially turned into a haunted house, congratulations.
  4. The Creeper uses weapons crafted after the various parts of his victims. My question is, what did he use to kill his first victim? The answer is a rock, a big dirty rock.
  5. In twenty-three years since the death of his son, the only thing our hero can come up to kill the monster is a spear gun grafted onto a pickup truck. I would've developed a laser rifle.

Did You Know:

Jeepers Creepers 2 takes place in the same period as the first one. Bite the bullet Hollywood, give us the Jeepers Creepers prelude edition set in colonial times. "Forsooth young William is being attacked by an Englishman flinging body parts, good show."

A Stevehenish Tagline:

Every 23rd day of months beginning in the letter W, this movie will be awesome. I can't wait to Webtembergust.

They Made A Sequel To What:

  1. Final Destination 2
  2. Cruel Intentions 3
  3. X2

Words Thrown Together in Hopes of Pulling in Random Google Users

"I work cheap, Mr. Salva"

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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