Thomm Quackenbush, author

Tyler Durden

I Promise

The Good

The website containing this story has quite the scent of gonads. Just in case you were about to copy this story and put it in your personal collection, there's this little nugget of bad news.

"All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent."

Well, there goes my Thursday.

The Bad

It reads like stereo instructions: Harry inserts wand into Voldemort's eye. Neville wanders about looking for something interesting to do. Ron wonders why Hermione no love Ron. Ron is sad. Story needs some spark. Kreacher is bored.

The Review

Tyler Durden makes soap and, in his free time of planning from society based around the lack of possession and the return to individual thought, he writes Harry Potter fiction. Not just any fiction, but the last story you will ever need to read. This is it people, the final hour. The players have been set, the conflict established and finally it will come down to a battle between good and evil. Wrapped around this story is a maddening vision of Ron and Hermione getting married or professing their love for corpses, not really sure what that's all about. The sad fact is that over two hundred people read the story and all found it a masterful work of awkward transitions and blank character development. On a side note, I know 200 mentally ill people.

Time to lay the scene, Shakespeare fans. Harry's dead and, as it turns out, Ron and Hermione are about to take the marriage plunge. A drunken Ron -- because you have to drink before marrying a woman with any level of intelligence -- steals himself away from the bottle to ask just one more question. It seems Harry and Hermione, in a moment of incredible stress, managed a quickie just before Hogwarts found itself under attack by the forces of darkness.

"The DA and the Order had been warned that Voldemort and his followers might attack the next day and Hermione knew that that night might be the last chance she had to tell Harry how she felt about him. She was Head Girl and had her own common room and bedroom that connected to the Gryffindor Common Room. She and Harry were in her common room and she told him that she loved him. When he told her that he felt the same way, she was overcome with emotion and knew that she couldn't waste the time she had with him. She needed to be with him. Harry felt the same way. When they made love, he looked into her eyes, into her very soul."

Can you blame Harry? Hermione is such a whore. Still, despite this fact, Ron just wants to know if Hermione still has feelings for a corpse. This is a rational thought because Hermione loves touching dead people. Furthermore, Harry decided to bang Hermione rather than evacuate the school. That's what we call "putting all of your priorities together."

In between this pointless and drab conversation, we learn of the fall of Mr. Harry Potter. As we have come to expect from these types of stories, Harry dies in the most insane way ever conceived.

"The school was later told that Harry Potter had been triumphant and killed Voldemort. But not all heroes have a happy ending. Lucius Malfoy was a coward and took advantage that Harry was weak after killing Voldemort and hit him with a Kedavra curse, square in the back. Draco Malfoy had professed that he was on Dumbledore's side and proved where his loyalties lay by hitting his father, his own flesh and blood, with a Reductor. No one was the same after Harry died."

This makes total sense because, as Harry and Voldemort battled, the only real thing to do is watch. Kreacher thinks that perhaps Lucius could kill Harry while Voldemort distracted him. Kreacher sees Voldemort being upset, but after executing every Muggle, Kreacher thinks it would all turn out okay. Afterwards Kreacher would like it very much if he could kill Dobby. Kreacher hates Dobby.

Ron on the other hand has to deal with this little nugget of knowledge.

"Ron, when you asked me to marry you, I said yes…because…oh Ron, I don't want to be alone again!" she was crying now and Ron had no idea what to do, "Ron I love you, but not in the way you love me. Not in the way you need me to. When Harry died, I thought I was going to be alone forever. I loved him so much. And then, you made me see that I didn't have to be alone. That I could be with you."

Ron is the silver medal. Way to go. Anyway, with the marriage adverted, Ron heartbroken, Hermione still in love with a dead guy, it's the worst ending you could fathom.

Your Moment of Insanity

"Hermione, do you remember last summer when we… when we first made love?"
"Of course I remember. What has that got to do with this?" she asked him, now utterly bewildered.

Your Musical Moment Provided By The Dresden Dolls

Hope you're happy in the county penitentiary. It serves you right, for kissing little girls, but I'll visit if you miss me. Say, you miss me.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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On B&N
At Double Dragon