Thomm Quackenbush, author

Inappropriate Use of Public Domain Pictures 05

You finally made it home. I was so worried. I thought you were going to call home today. You know how much I love it when you call. You should see me; I get all excited and run around the answering machine. One of these days, you're going to have to set up a video camera or something, we could watch it together. Remember when we had our movie nights? Those were great.

Have you thought about that thing we were talking about the other day? I know, I know. I'm being a little pest about it. Sue me, I live a boring life. I just think it would be a better world if we could kill the actor who played Mr. Belvedere. There we go, cards are on the table.

Are you going to do the crying thing again? You've got to pull yourself together, man. Look at me when I'm talking to you, bitch. Sorry, I didn't mean that. Do you know how many people would love to have their animals talk back to them? Hundreds of people and, frankly, they would be more than happy to murder Christopher Hewett in return.

Do you remember when I was a puppy and we would sit around the living room for hours playing with that tennis ball? I never forgot that. I'm getting so emotional about this. You used to say, "Do you want your ball?" Of course I wanted the ball, and in the end, you gave it to me. This is just a different kind of ball.

Look, it's, what, August 2nd? Why not just drive over to his house and inject him with that needle filled with liquefied sugar. What do you mean? He's a diabetic, you idiot, of course it's going to work. You are starting to worry me with all these questions. It's a great plan, but now you have me all worried. It's almost like you're going to try to get help again. "Help, my dog is having me murder 1980's television icons."

Maybe it's time we loosen this thing we call our relationship. Just saying, you don't seem to want to make me a happy dog and, frankly, you're looking like more of a talker every day. Do you know what happens to people who blab about their talking dog? Well, maybe the talking dog rips their throat out. I'd be doing the world a favor, you know. Your fingerprints are all over the place. Sooner or later, the police will find you and, when they open the door, they'll find me sinking into your voice box.

"What would make a dog do that to someone?" This is how the animal kingdom deals with talkers. Now, take me out to pee.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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