Thomm Quackenbush, author

Inappropriate Use of Public Domain Pictures 03

Well, hello there. It appears that you've caught me in the middle of my lunch. Yup, nuts again, I love these things. I could eat nuts everyday, all day. You know who else liked nuts? I bet you didn't guess the army of Carthage.

During the Second Punic War, made famous by the crossing of the Alps by Hannibal, a large battle took place in an area of Western Italy called Cannae. Yes, it's the same Cannae that was destroyed in 1276, but before it laid the scene for one of the greatest battles in Ancient War. Look in my eyes and travel back in time.

It's August 2nd, 216 BC, you are a member of the nearly 90,000 strong Roman army. Under the command of Consul Varro, you're about to do battle against one of the great tactical minds in that time period. The numbers are solidly in your favor, on paper it's an easy win, but war, you see, is not just something scribbled with numbers.

Now, keep in mind, Hannibal had been running amok in the Roman Empire for about three years. Imagine that, if you will, imagine the rage that built up over that time. As a soldier in the Roman army, you've watched as Hannibal has harassed the country side, and thanks to the Fabian Strategy, you've been kept back. You have had to watch your country get torn apart by this man, now it's time to seek a measure of restitution.

As you form your standard rank and line, just much deeper to accommodate for the extra men, you see in the distance the horrible sight of the invaders. Hannibal seems almost to mock you as he centers himself in the midst of the formation amongst his weakest troops. As you charge forward, you think that this is almost too easy. That's because it is.

You see on your flank the Roman cavalry, known for their breakability spring-off leading Hannibal's men to pressure from your backside. You are amazingly, despite having almost 2 to 1 odds against him, surrounded by this horde.

Now we're in the middle, surrounded by their inferior numbers. The sky is dark with arrows, the dust is flying and all around the people you know, and maybe even a relative or two are dying, their screams adding to your own fear. Phoebus rules the battlefield at this moment. Now look at this ring of humanity, and remember the technology. Battle was different before guns, it was very personal. You died by someone's hand, you looked into their eyes. It was a slow process and for people like us, people in the center the fear of death would last almost five hours. Five hours of brutal hand-to-hand combat.

Do you see what that solider of Rome is doing? He's taking matters into his own hand; the madness has taken a hold of him. He's digging a hole amongst the chaos of the battle and sticking his head into the Roman ground. Maybe he's taking his destiny into his own hands, personally I think it's more to drown out the acts of violence radiating around him. Regardless...

HAVE LUCK GETTING BACK THROUGH TIME SUCKER! BWAHAHAHA EVIL TIME TRAVELING SQUIRREL.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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