Thomm Quackenbush, author

Inappropriate Comic Book Splash Pages 5
Glenn Beck At Nighty Night Time

Well golly. After I'm done masturbating with my knees to the Monster from the Swamp, well maybe I'll go off and exploit a horrible event for my own agenda. I'm Glenn Beck, it is 1954 middle America, Ike is in office and I don't fucking exist yet. I'm a glimmer in my drunken father's eye. One day, ten years or so in the future, my father will lurch onto my mother and, since abortion is not an option in our America, I will be birthed into the world in a rain of fire and brimstone. All hail the coming of the giant douche bag.

Man, I hope one day prayer comes under attack. Well, not in private schools. I mean we have no right to question religious schools. They get to do anything they want. Public schools and prayer... man that just makes my erection all super good. While we're at it, let's force our religious beliefs down those horrible atheists. I'm sick of them letting their kids think for themselves. I was brainwashed, so should they. Hey, why not, it is 1954 America, we just coined the term "Under God" that means we've always had it as bedrock of our nation.

I'm going to dry hump a shotgun tomorrow. It's my constitutional right, you know. The constitution made it very clear that you can have whatever weapon you want, granted it was a time of fucking flint lock pistols, but still George Washington wanted me to have an arsenal. Granted, he also wanted me to be well regulated, but Billy Bob in Georgia seems like he's responsible enough to watch after me.

"We surround them." Man, that's a great catchphrase. We have to keep those political types in check or they'll run rampart over our religious views with all their "charity" and "goodwill to the poor". Screw the poor. Their reward comes in heaven. Consequently, advocating guns to the masses and coining the above phrase seems vaguely like a threat. Holy crap, arming ourselves and telling the politicians we surround them seems almost like treason. I can't wait until the disenfranchised psychopaths get a hold of this message.

Man, oh man, I need to get these nine principles to spew forth from my erect penis. This needs to happen now.

  1. America is good.
  2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life.
  3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday.
  4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government.
  5. If you break the law, you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.
  6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results.
  7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable.
  8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.
  9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me.

Oh yes, I freaking love it. I dreamed of kissing my mother on the lips once, oh God it was so good. I feel so cold now, so utterly cold. I'm sorry, Jesus.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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On B&N
At Double Dragon