Skip to content

It happens to all of us at one point in our lives. We are driving alone at night in the pouring rain, feeling contempt at our completion at another day's hard work, when suddenly the ghost of a shivering white girl pops out in front of us and forces up to murder our husband, who in turn ran a sex torture club in the barn of our summer home. You will have to excuse me if I seem a bit distracted, it is just that I hate shivering white girl ghosts and their constant presence in my life is not only annoying but also horrifying. Anyway, we wake up a few days later in the custody of some local authorities and the same white girl who ran us off the road in the first place wants us to solve her murder. It seems our husband had help, and the unraveling of the mystery begins with enough twists and turns to keep the mildly interested content while the rest of us scream quietly in our head blocking the calls for murder intertwined within the dialogue.

Amanda Grey, played by Halle Berry, is a therapist in a mental institution before she nearly runs over a half naked shivering white girl who was standing in the middle of the road. Three days later, she wakes up in the same mental institution she worked in and discovers she has murdered her husband. Or should I say the shivering white girl she nearly ran over did it while in the possession of her body. For those of you completely confused, rest assured the ending leaves you with the same questions that begin the movie and any hope of closure ends as Limp Bizkit sings a cover song. What follows is half mystery and all crap as the cliché drenched film descends into familiar territory, relying on memories of good films to scare the viewer.

The Crow is a gothic movie. Dark City is a gothic movie. Gothika is about as far as you can legally get towards gothic without any actual commitment involved. If you took a late night prison porn movie, removed all form of nudity and sexuality, and added in a group of good, if not completely mislead, actors, the result would resemble Gothika. With a cast consisting of Charles S. Dutton, Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz, and Robert Downey Jr., the viewer should expect wonderful acting and the cast pleasingly delivers. Unfortunately the movie was directed by French director Mathieu Kassovitz, who managed to crap all over the script and direct the movie as if it were an art project rather then a major motion picture. At points it looks creepy, but only if you're six and afraid of the dark. The result is a cliché-ridden film that not only managed to bomb completely, but I am sure it sterilized Robert Downey Jr.

A taunt of horror movies in general, Gothika leaves the audience ready to crucify the director and leave the actors to sort out the mess of a script. The movie traps itself in a constant barrage of questions that lead nowhere and the answers, while provided, are horribly executed. This is the type of movie best seen with a group of friends and after the credits begin to roll, the ones who get the movie should fight the ones who do not get the movie in a ring of death.

A horrid movie, one that I am sure it will be played in the waiting room of purgatory.

Things You Should Look Out For:

  1. Gothika was not a great title, considering that there is nothing Gothic about it. That, and the title is spelled wrong. Which means the writer is fired.
  2. Robert Downey Jr. did not kill anyone. Charles S. Dutton did. This means that the casting director screwed up and was fired.
  3. If you buy the DVD, you get a free Limp Bizkit video. In it, Fred Durst makes out with Halle Berry. How did this happen? Look at the director credit for the video. That said, I would like to shoot a video with Carrot Top and Christina Ricci, just because I can and I expect to be fired afterwards.

Your Moment of Insanity:

It feels good to be God. I love you.

Ghost are pretty freaking helpful if you ask them politely:

  1. Casper
  2. Thirteen Ghosts
  3. Stir of Echoes

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

Justify Your Crap
Justify Menu
eXTReMe Tracker