Thomm Quackenbush, author

Remember the Maine
Shit, Stevehen is going to write about equality, better brew another fucking pot.

The National Organization for Marriage--or NOM {nom nom} for those who would rather call them by replicating the sound one makes when you are playfully nibbling on the nipple of you partner--is all about keeping the status quo. Marriage is all about the love of a man and a woman. See, when two people love each other very much, they decide to reenact old pagan traditions and promise to remain together. Half the time, this doesn't work out very well. This would make the people who said they loved each other horny liars. For some reason, the gay community wants a piece of this marriage pie. Maybe it's the equal rights--being able to visit their partner in a hospital, sharing health insurance--or maybe it's more than that. Maybe it's about being fair. Might as well give everybody the chance to enter outdated partnerships together.

Like any organization that discriminates against a minority, NOM {nom nom} has a neat little press kit for their followers to parrot their random arguments. This press kit includes balloons, a kitty mask, and the answers to the top questions thrown their way. These questions have crazy answer that sometime contradict each other, but, to be fair, the kitty mask is pretty freaking awesome. In the interest of being fair, we'll go through these questions, giving their response and mocking accordingly. Welcome to democracy.

1. Are you a bigot?
Don't even get me started on that Civil Union bullshit.

A: "Do you really believe people like me who believe mothers and fathers both matter to kids are like bigots and racists? I think that's pretty offensive, don't you? Particularly to the 60 percent of African-Americans who oppose same-sex marriage. Marriage as the union of husband and wife isn't new; it's not taking away anyone's rights. It's common sense."

Whoa, NOM {nom nom}, take a pill. We never called you a racist. Ignorant, goat ball toucher, perhaps, but the term "racist" never popped into our heads. Still, it was pretty neat how you made that conclusion, seeing how bigotry and racism are completely unrelated. Racism involves hating people because of what they are; bigots are people who hold onto their opinion no matter how stupid it is. In fairness, the rest argument itself is a bit insane. If I somehow managed to convince 75% of Welsh people that the Chinese kill kittens and thus should not be granted the same rights of us, and then in turn denied the Chinese rights based on the idea that I helped to plant in the Welsh minds, well, that's more what we're looking at. Way to turn the Welsh against the Chinese, NOM {nom nom}, you fucking racists.

2. Isn't the ban on gay marriage like bans on interracial marriage?
Telling people not to do something does not go well with the Constitution. Also, thank you, alcohol, for keeping these crazy ass women away from me. .

A: "Bans on interracial marriage were about keeping two races apart so that one race could oppress the other. Marriage is about bringing two sexes together, so that children get the love of their own mom and a dad, and women don't get stuck with the enormous disadvantages of parenting alone." "Having a parent of two different races is just not the same as being deprived of your mother-or your father."

A: "Bans on interracial marriage were about keeping two races apart so that one race could oppress the other. Marriage is about bringing two sexes together, so that children get the love of their own mom and a dad, and women don't get stuck with the enormous disadvantages of parenting alone." "Having a parent of two different races is just not the same as being deprived of your mother-or your father."

Oh, you little question dodger. How was the former ban on interracial marriage, which was completely wrong and based on crazy statistics and racism, different from the bans on homosexual marriage today? Answer the fucking question, and no you can't use the purpose of your organization--to define marriage--as your example.

3. Why do we need a constitutional amendment?

A: "Lawsuits like the one that imposed gay marriage in Massachusetts now threaten marriage in at least 12 other states so far. We need a marriage amendment to settle the issue once and for all, so we don't have this debate in our face every day. The people get to decide what marriage means. No-end run around the rules by activist judges or grandstanding San-Francisco-style politicians."

We should totally put discrimination back into the Constitution. I mean it would totally free up their hard earned time they spend fighting this issue to work on their basket weaving. If we amend the Constitution to define terms to exclude certain people from society, i.e. keeping Steve from marrying Adam, we are in truth contradicting the fucking Constitution. Our founders gave us the power to amend it to make it better, not exclude people.

4. What's the harm from SSM?
It took him three hours to make that sign. Look how proud he is. Asshole.

A: "Who gets harmed? The people of this state who lose our right to define marriage as the union of husband and wife, that's who. That is just not right."

No, they do not. No, they do not, those sons of bitches. In fairness, I borrowed that line from Suzie. Maybe defining marriage isn't your job. Ever think about it that way?

A: "If courts rule that same-sex marriage is a civil right, then, people like you and me who believe children need moms and dads will be treated like bigots and racists."

Only if you keep on going on about how they are not like you.

A: "Religious groups like Catholic Charities or the Salvation Army may lose their tax exemptions, or be denied the use of parks and other public facilities, unless they endorse gay marriage."

I'm going to answer this question with a quote from Catholic Irrational Fears of Shit, assume the form of a tiger!

"So we deplore acts of discrimination or unkindness against homosexual persons, but we insist on speaking the truth about the nature of homosexual acts. This is not a phobia. It is compassion together with frank recognition of the nature of a disordered condition."

Can we take their funding away for this? These guys are living in the 1960's, when homosexuality was still considered a fucking mental disorder. Hiding child molestation aside, why are we still listening to these guys? The Salvation Army can't be as bad, can they? Say it ain't so, bell ringers. While the services they provide do not discriminate, the hiring practices allow them to fire anyone of the homosexual nature. Motherfuckers.

"Public schools will teach young children that two men being intimate are just the same as a husband and wife, even when it comes to raising kids."

Why can't my two dads marry? Well, Jimmy, that's because, while your parents love you, they don't love you enough to grow a vagina between them. See, when a man loves another man, they tend to participate in anal sex. I'll demonstrate this by using this cucumber and our sleeping class pet. Oh yeah, look how wrong this is... so wrong. Maybe I was sick on the day my teacher discussed marriage in class, but I imagine this is how it will be done in the future.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush