Thomm Quackenbush, author

Freddy vs. Jason

I would like to thank those people out there who just had to push Hollywood into making this film. Thanks to your constant complaining and internet bitching, enough cash found its way into the right hands to ensure that this bastard of a marriage could occur. It wasn't good enough that Freddy now jumped into the real world at the end of every film or that Jason shot into space and received a technological overhaul. No, you wanted a return to the basics. You got it. The result of all this fanfare is a masterful blend of crap and naked women. I hope you're happy.

Freddy Kruger was a child molester who managed to slip a court conviction due to a technicality. Since everybody loves vigilante justice, Fred's neighbors decided to torch his house, barbequing the freak in the process. If their mission was to create a dream-walking psychopath, mission accomplished. Jason, on the other hand, was a retarded kid who drowned. Throw all the origins out the window, though. You won't need them. See the parents of Elm Street are some of the brightest people in the world. When their kids begin to die in their dreams they logically move to the prevention step. Do they move to another town? No, they drug their kids. Freddy, in a fit of rage, and just itching to use his resurrection power, decides to send Jason to Elm Street to put the fear back into those ungrateful punks. Jason gets a little too comfortable in his role and Freddy decides to put him in his place. It's a good thing they both learned kung-fu, because they'll need it.

In the grand tradition of milking a marketing machine to death, Hollywood offers the modern versus movie, where the bad guy from one ass collection of films battles another guy from a horrid collection of films. The director, Ronny Yu, is known for his stylized visual sequences and that's fine, but in the horror genre comes off as a silly attempt to justify an elaborate fight sequence. On a side note, Jason's afraid of water. Really, I mean, this guy lives at the bottom of a lake. That just doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense and I would just like to be the first to blame you.

Put the drugs down Jay, that caterpillar isn't your friend and neither is this film.

Your Moment of Insanity

Who cares about some fucking dream guy okay? That psycho in the hockey mask was real.
Dude, that goalie was pissed about something.

Look Out For

  1. Everclear will indeed kick your ass and lead to a hick dressed in hockey mask launching you over a corn field. On a side note, where that fat guy got that torch is still a mystery to everyone, even the director.
  2. When a bunch of comatose people sit up and tell you to dump the pills, do it. I mean you could argue with them, but then again you're a Jay rip-off so there's really no point.
  3. They buried Jason with his machete, isn't that just asking him to come back and stab people. Next time give him a bunny, not because it would calm him down or anything, but I just like the idea of beating someone to death with a dead animal.
  4. Freddy can't come back if no one's afraid. He works just like magical pixie dust. You have to believe people. Believe in the magic of burned dead people.
  5. Drinking cheap beer will only lead to a seven foot guy coming into your bedroom, stabbing you with a big freaking knife, and folding you like an accordion. Next time drink domestic. Drink Bud.

A Stevehenish Tagline

Don't go to camp.
Don't go to Elm Street.
Shea Stadium looks safe... if you ignore the giant vampires and Bruce Campbell. I smell sequel.

Your Wesley Willis Moment

You are my favorite gangsta rapper. Ice Cube...

It's Not Going to Get Better if You Keep Picking At It

  1. Child's Play
  2. Wishmaster
  3. Cruel Intentions


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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On B&N
At Double Dragon