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Fear Dot Com

Welcome to the Internet, the home of instant communication at the tip of your fingers. If you look enough, every nugget of information is available for your consumption. It's a place where children dance and frolic in the light of the setting sun while birds prance majestically on high power cables occasionally doing their happy flaming dance of death. Alas, with every coin, there's an obverse filled with all the nightmares of French Postmodernism parlayed to the screen by a one eyed wine taster named Pierre. Yes, the Internet is a great tool if used properly. I use it to make brownies, magical brownies.

Once upon a time, some psycho decided to start up a web cam devoted to the slaughter of aspiring actresses. Unfortunately, this guy chose poorly and now his website is the home of an angry spirit bent on extracting her revenge. Thus an urban legend is born. Enter the know-nothing police officer who, along with his Department of Health leash, decides to unravel the mystery behind the ghostly internet girl who drives people insane. After what seems like an eternity, but is actually an hour of scary lighting and bumping in the night, the audience is treated to a quickie ending of unremarkable revelations.

This movie, like any horror movie, ends with a hint of there being a possible sequel. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unfortunately there will be no continued adventures of albino hemophiliac girl. Everyone let out their sigh of disappointment. William Malone, who crapped over the remake of House on Haunted Hill, returns once again to the director's chair intent on ending his career. Well, if his intent was making Stevehen the Destroyer cry, then mission accomplished. The acting, with the exception of Stephen Dorff, chops through this massacre of a script stopping only to recognize the seizure-inducing light show.

If this is where horror movies are going, I want to be shot and dragged behind a horse. For an added effect, throw a cell phone in my hand and scream out something about using long distance minutes. Where was I? This is one piece of crap.

Your Moment of Insanity:

Do you like to watch? Do you want to see more? Do you want to hurt me? I know who you are and I know what you really want. Time to play. Time for us to become one. Find me. You have forty-eight hours.

You Should Look Out For:

  1. The Department of Health continues to work on homicide cases even after every medical explanation has been exhausted. They're a dedicated group of people, who need to mind their own business. Seriously, stop calling me.
  2. If somebody comes up to you with a camera and invites you to star in his movie, you might want to reconsider the offer when you discover he lives in a low budget haunted mansion.
  3. Everyone who dies in the film lives in NYC, because the rest of the world doesn't have internet access.
  4. How do you hurt someone? I choose hugs.
  5. A hemophiliac afraid of sharp objects loves to play inside of a steel mill. I have a shiny nickel for the first person who points out what's wrong with this idea.

Did You Know:

You sleep with bugs. Well, I mean you don't sleep with bugs in a sexual way. Well, maybe you do. There's probably nothing wrong with that. Emily might be better to answer these questions. Go bother her.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

The Internet will drive you nuts one way or another.

The Internet Just Might End Up Killing Us All

  1. This guy is hilarious, but only if your sense of humor is completely dead.
  2. These guys and gals bring the funny and systematically beat your sacred cow to death all at the same time.
  3. This is what happens when you have an excessive amount of time on your hands. An interesting fact, I support these guys in all the things they do.

Movies About Cyber Space:

  1. TRON
  2. War Games
  3. Hackers

Random Google Words

"The Fear Starts Here"

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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