Thomm Quackenbush, author

Daredevil

I want you to look into the light. Now follow my finger. Okay, now I'm going to shoot a puff of air into your eye. Try not to blink, because we'll just have to do it all over again. You smell good. Tell me which image looks better. Is it one or two? If you say two, I'll give you a surprise. God, you are freaking hot. Okay, take this, cover your right eye, and read the third line down. Good, now touch my groin. Have you been having headaches or any other problems lately? What was that? Well, I make it a point never to see my patients on a personal level. I have to admit something to you though. You're the hottest naked corpse I've ever seen.

Matt Murdock was just a normal little dork until his eyes were flushed with toxic waste, as it came in illegally from the nuclear power wasteland that is Germany. While this scenario may have killed those children of less stock, it instead changes Matt. No, he doesn't become a turtle. He becomes the Daredevil. Rule number one to becoming a superhero is the development of powers. Well, check that box and add motivation in the form of the death of Matt's father due to one of the oil rig workers from that load of crap film Armageddon. Now a trial attorney, Matt spends his days drinking coffee and his nights beating people and throwing them in front of subway trains. Soon, the rumors of a Kingpin of crime begin to surface and has chance would have it this Kingpin was the man who put his father down for the count.

Based off the worst concept for a comic book ever, Daredevil is a subpar attempt at the superhero genre that fails to offer anything even remotely interesting to the audience. The special effects are a barrage of what the production team, probably called Murky Vision, combined with fight choreography reminiscent of Flight to Danger. Rest assured ladies, Ben Affleck and his football stadium head are both in the film, at times rotating such that all the light of the universe is blinks out. Bullseye, whose remarkable powers involve throwing things, becomes the unnecessary focus for the films laughable and unnecessary fight scenes. It unfortunately did well enough to spin off an Electra film, so once again the audience loses.

Daredevil is a God awful film in the great tradition of Marvel Comics "Attention to Marketing an Action Figure" line. Hulk did not work, Spiderman did not work, and Daredevil falls short of even the previous two.

Your Moment of Insanity:

I'm not the bad guy, kid. I'm not the bad guy. I'm not. (This is the greatest writing ever.)

You Should Look Out For:

  1. Computer effects have come a long way. Somebody should have told the producers of this film.
  2. Kevin Smith makes a cameo in the film. He's a history lesson for all of you cool people out there. Kevin Smith, for a short period, wrote the comic Daredevil. That, however, is a piece of crap for another time.
  3. Those flaming double D's in the early part of the film are homage to the original Crow. Nothing in Hollywood is original anymore.
  4. Daredevil has sensitive hearing, which turns him into a bowl of jelly when a train passes, but not when a gun goes off at point blank range next to his head. Guns don't make any sound, stupid.
  5. Blind people love to sew red leather dominatrix outfits. I, on the other hand, love to look at blind people dressed in dominatrix outfits. It's a winning combination.

Did You Know:

This is Colin Farrell's first American role using his actual Irish accent. You know you care deeply about this. Trust me when I say, you are the only one.

Magical DVD extra:

Can anyone say a second disc chockfull of the origins of the Marvel Universe, including a documentary chronicling every important writer of the series? Can anyone say this with a straight face? I rest my case.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

You will believe a man can be blind.

Make A Movie Based Off An Underground Comic

  1. Ghost World
  2. Bulletproof Monk
  3. The Crow

Words Thrown Together in Hopes of Pulling in Random Google Users

"An Eye Test For Idiots"


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush