Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Core

Penguins would make the ultimate weapon against terrorism. Think about that for a moment and let it settle in. Now, granted, I do not currently work for the defense department, but if I did, then the application of penguins into military service would become my major argument. Penguins are cute. While the previous statement might seem an overstatement, consider that no one ever expect bad things to come out of cute packages. Secondly, penguins are capable of land, sea, and -- with a catapult delivery system -- the process of international travel becomes available. On the other hand, I could build a machine that would cause earthquakes, which is slightly less insane.

You have to hand it to the US military, if there's a way to kill numerous people and harm the environment, these guys will eventually come up with it. See the nuclear missile defense program for an example of this. Anyway, somehow the military managed to insert an earthquake machine into the center of the earth and in the process stopped the rotation of the Earth's inner core. Mother Nature goes nuts, and a different group of scientists, complete with their penis machine, must undo the mistakes of the past. Using their laser that cuts through planetary rock, this group descends downward and, one by one, they sacrifice themselves until only the two main characters remain. Then dolphins save them. Who wants to go to a diner and discuss this further?

Does the movie have an insane premise? Yes. Does the movie somehow manage to pull in an extraordinary cast? That depends on what your standards of extraordinary are. Last time I checked, Hillary Swank was not a great actor, but then again she has an Academy Award. Well, so does Cher, what's your point? The effects are your standard mixture of science fiction and drug inspired lunacy with a swig of whiskey added for extra flavor. The world will blow up because we as humans are irresponsible. That's a great moral. However, when you add around that a completely insane movie, the result is a meaningless trash science fiction road trip with both subpar acting and special effects.

The Core is a complete blight on creative humanity, and a wonderful addition to the DVD collection, the best of both worlds.

Your Moment of Insanity:

You may not have nothing to lose, but I have my life to lose thank you very much while you're up. Now, turn it around. He told us to go back and we're going back. Why, you want to be a hero you want to be a martyr? What do you want to be? You're out of your mind, thank you.

You Should Look Out For:

  1. Hot Pockets received enough free advertisement to provide the world with sausage flavored goodness for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, their pitch man is the Bubble Boy.
  2. Dolphins save the day, not because they are cute, but because they taste so much like tuna. Take the taste challenge to find out for yourself.
  3. When in doubt, use the most dramatic method to explain your theory. The more outrageous the example, the better for persuading those scientist types to come over to your side. Burning apples apparently proves a point, what that point actually is escapes every plane of reason imaginable.
  4. The rule of sacrifice states that the plot is incapable of progressing unless characters within the piece are willing to sacrifice themselves so that others may live. The Core beats this horse to death and the results are nothing short of hilarious.
  5. Junk science must be created to deal with junk science. The second piece of junk science must look like a penis. It also helps to have a motley crew of extreme people who play by their own rules. I've just written the movie.

Did You Know:

During the scene reminiscent of the Birds, the CGI guys decided to incorporate a single fish into the chaotic scene. However, no one saw this film, so the humorous moment is lost forever. Just like my underwear.

A Stevehenish Tagline:

Who wants to go to China, the hard way?

It's The End of the World As We Know It, I Feel Fine.

  1. Independence Day
  2. The Day After Tomorrow
  3. Deep Impact

Words Thrown Together in Hopes of Pulling in Random Google Users

"The Layers of the Earth"

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
On Amazon
On B&N
At Double Dragon