Thomm Quackenbush, author


Some movies revolutionize the world, incorporating new angles at which we live everyday life. These movies enlighten, often times mocking a point in societal order. Why are we here? What is our purpose? These are important questions and are deserving of an honest, if not blatantly misguided, answer. Clerks raises the question, does God recognize Kevin Smith as a director or an obnoxious child pressing the reward button of life hoping that someone, anyone, will care. If you're looking for an answer to this question, then you've picked up the wrong movie. What you get with this is an hour and a half of monologue-dialogue based on absolutely nothing. No sir, I don't care about the Death Star, it's time to waddle your postmodern ass over to the coffee machine and make me a fresh cup and try not to spit in it this time.

Any nerdy, self-enclosed film directing hopeful will see this movie as a godsend. Filmed on a shoestring budget, it was the movie about absolutely nothing before Seinfeld was the show about absolutely nothing. The only difference is that people cared about Seinfeld. The story, if you can call it that, revolves around two clerks Dante and Randall who together operate a video rental store and a convince market. That's about as far as Kevin Smith got to an actual plot. Instead, he focused his work on finding the whiniest actors this side of the daytime soaps and tossing them into a ring of death where only those who care walk away to see another day.

In the tradition of movies such as Blair Witch, Hollywood tricked the American public into thinking that this movie had some kind of magical link into originality. Do yourself a favor and go to any community college movie showing and you too will see the next great work by the next Kevin Smith, who will proudly market his work and wait day after day for someone to call. The writing as mentioned is drawn out with the occasional scene written that in no way reflects any real direction to the piece as a whole. The camera work is shoddy, to say the least, with the actors trolling about searching for some kind of motivation from a director that never existed. Jeff Anderson, who plays Randall, provides the rare flash of brilliance, but is hampered by his interaction with the rest of the cast. This movie marked the flashpoint for the Jay and Silent Bob era, which had overweight men everywhere picking up their Sony camcorders and labeling themselves as directors.

Movies with wit are great and all, but at the end of the day, when looking for a movie with some kind of redeemable playback quality, Clerks is not your best option. Flashes of promises are quickly disregarded as luck and whatever promises Kevin Smith had as a director was implanted by Hollywood rather then earned by his work. It's not all bad though, pick up Chasing Amy. Of the films he done to this date, it truly speaks for itself demanding the respect of any critic. Our story continues as Kevin Smith is scheduled to write the new Green Hornet movie, which is sure to pull in all three people who actually care about the Green Hornet.

Things you should look out for...

  1. Jason Lee is fortunately no where to be found, freeing up his time to perform ads for the Outdoor Network. Way to go Lance, keep winning the Tour De France every year, someone will eventually care.
  2. Silent Bob says hold onto the women who make you Italian meals. Okay, now look at Silent Bob.
  3. They play hockey on a roof. That is just hilarious. Only on the inside though.

Your Daily Source of Insanity:

"I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

Did You Know:

They made a cartoon based around the movie. It wasn't very funny, but they tried. God knows they tried.

Movies by people who will actually be around in ten years:

  1. The Ice Storm
  2. Punch Drunk Love
  3. Lost in Translation

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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