Thomm Quackenbush, author

Alien vs. Predator

Prepare yourself for the prequel to end all prequels. I blame comic books. Technically, the idea of an Aliens/Predator crossover came from Dark Horse. You see, kids, when the idea of making a bucket load of money comes into play… well, adults tend to put out crazy ideas. Let's make Freddy vs. Jason. Batman and Superman should be in a movie together. The proposal becomes so big that the people involved never stop and wonder if they should. You built your knowledge on what came before and now you're going to market and sell it. I call this the rape of the modern world. Granted, it didn't help when Danny Glover came across that alien skull in the ever underestimated Predator II, ever since nerds have been asking when Hollywood would ever decide to make that long awaited Alien vs. Predator movie. The wait is over, dear nerds. Much like your mother descending from the kitchen with a bowl of macaroni and a slice of bread, the fourth wall of nerd-dom is about to be smashed to pieces. Granted, this movie came out in 2004 so the macaroni is like five years old.
 
Mr. Black: Gentlemen to evil!
For those of you keeping score that's both a Simpsons and Millennium reference.

Who is your father and what does he do? Well Lance Hendrickson is a billionaire business mogul who happens to discover a pyramid in the middle of the Arctic. We're going to need a montage as we assemble our team. Can we get a nerdy white guy? Now get that Italian actor with no actual acting ability. Okay, now we need a hot chick, done. Let's add a spiky hair blonde girl for the sole purpose of luring Stevehen in, done and done. Really, it doesn't matter because, as it happens, this team wanders into a Predator hunting rite of passage. All their expertise - half of the team granted has no expertise - matters not as they are systematically torn apart by Aliens and Predators. Somehow the hot chick manages to spear an Alien, which leads to her becoming accepted into the rank and file of the Predators. There's a big explosion and the Predator ship takes off, leaving the sole human to likely freeze to death. In the end, we're treated to an image of a Predator having an alien explode from his chest.
 
First we make the babies, then you make the pancakes.

Well, here's my fucking problem with this whole debacle. At one point, Lance Hendrickson goes ape shit insane on a Predator. The Predator scans his body and decides to take pity on the cancer-ridden billionaire. Okay, so we've established that the Predators are capable of scanning bodies. Why they don't scan the body of their colleague and thus end the idea of a sequel is beyond any explanation I could grant here.

Alas, it grew enough of an audience to warrant a sequel. Of what I can remember of that film, there was a hospital, some homeless people got killed and there was just an hour of too much movie for my liking.

You Should Look Out For

  1. Flares! Look at all the flares!
  2. If there's ever a door that reads "Only the chosen ones can enter." Well, best not to enter. However, if someone ever asks if you are a God, you say YES.
  3. When knocked to the ground, Aliens begin the process of break dancing.
  4. The professional climber takes five minutes to get up onto a ledge. What the hell?
  5. Despite what this movie suggests, guns and condoms are not even remotely related. Please remove the gun from my penis now.
Your Moment of Insanity
I've heard this speech before. My dad broke his leg seven hundred feet from the summit of Mount Rainer. He was like you. He wouldn't go back or let us stop. We reached the top and he opened a bottle of champagne. I had my first drink with my dad at 14,400 feet. On the way down, he developed a blood clot in his leg that traveled to his lung. He suffered for four hours before dying twenty minutes from the base.
Your Musical Moment Provided By Will Smith… no really
Oh, you just gonna stand there, huh? What you too cute to dance, or you scared?


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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At Double Dragon