Thomm Quackenbush, author

Andrew Troy Keller

Title
Phobia

The Good
Friends are important. If asked, friends will do anything for you, like have sex. My friends are hot. Therefore, I win.

The Bad
Somewhere the terrorists are attempting to do something. Where's national security when you need it?

The Review
The internet bursts with the juices of creative fiction. You see, everyone has a story, and alas, with the state of the Internet, anyone can become a published author. It's about marketing. You see, there's a group of authors out there who take great pleasure in writing about the heroes of their youth. Maybe by keeping the eternal candle lit, they hope that, when the trend reappears, producers will approach them to re-launch the characters into today's market. Not bloody likely, but who am I to deny someone their dreams? Wait a minute, I'm Stevehen J. Warren, I crush dreams and people for a living. You'll never win the lottery, you're kids will grow to resent you, people only talk to you because they want something from you, and given the chance a perfect stranger will murder you for a million dollars. It's damn fine to be back.

Andrew Troy Keller writes fan fiction. Whereas most authors are intent on having their hero discover a new continent or interact with a hero they created, Keller finds his joy in having everyone lurch about in sexual matters. If that's your idea of fun, ATK has a story for you. Myself, I'd rather have Superman not transforming into a woman. Is it crap though? Granted the concepts are insane but hell, he can write an opening.

"Phobias--everyone in the world has them, like, for example, Cover-Girl of the USA task-force known as G.I. Joe. She was walking around the G.I. Joe complex, seeing how everyone was enjoying their sweethearts both in & out of the team."

It was important that they did see each other, because you see there was a war going on. Little did Cover-Girl know that was the last time she would see many of her friends. Roadblock died three weeks later in a boating accident. At his funeral Avalanche blew his brains out with the .45 Roadblock had given him when they had first spent those blissful nights wrapped in each other's arms. The government, of course, covered this matter up entirely; contrary to popular belief, suicides driven by homosexual relationships are not something to gab to the press. Anyway, Linda married Sunny. Brenda married me and the class of all of us is just part of history.

All this writing is giving me a thirst for some liquid refreshment.

"As a matter-of-fact, I was about to join him for a cup of offee," said Lady Jaye. "Care to join us?"

Offee would be just plain awesome. Maybe afterwards we could go to the ovies and ang each other during the econd feature. ang! ang! ang! You take it itch, take it all in your ss. lut!

Sometime later, a car with Flint, Lady Jaye, & Cover-Girl inside had pulled up to the cabin. "Okay, girls," said a smiling Flint. "Let's dismount & move on in."

Well, you see where this is going. Flint, Lady Jaye, and Cover-Girl spend the night cradled in each other's arms. They sure do. However, at this point, I have to warn you that this story takes a spin for the weird. ATK is a king when it comes to writing endings. Seriously, there's an underground community dedicated to following the mangled mesh of letters that when placed carefully together form semblances of actual words.

"OH, GOD!" yelled Cover-Girl. "I'M NOW EXPER...PERI...ENCING...A NEW SEN...SATION!

I just had a weird Rocky Horror flashback. I should probably just end it all right here and let you, dear reader, get on with your life.

Until next time, enjoy the strangeness of the internet.

Your Moment of Insanity
"On the day of Duke & Scarlett's wedding, the other Joes were puzzled by the mysterious smile on Cover-Girl's face. Flint & Lady Jaye knew -- but they weren't talking."

Your Musical Moment By Spoon
We go out in stormy weather. We rarely practice discern. We make love to some weird sin.


Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
On Amazon
On B&N
At Double Dragon