Thomm Quackenbush, author

Around the World in 80 Days

Jackie Chan is a pioneer in the field of martial arts and, if insulted, would probably dissipate your spine five ways before you hit the ground. He is also the meanest man with a Saturday Morning cartoon. Jackie hides his aggression well enough, smiling broadly and playing the buffoon in the world of action movies. Nevertheless, if you look closely, into the void of his eyes, you would see the result of evil mixed with a healthy dose of insanity. Disney on the other hand holds no qualm about its evil nature. If you don't believe me, then watch Peter Pan. Children thrown from heights, no matter how high, are not able to fly. I unfortunately learned that lesson the hard way and would have gone to prison if not for an illicit porn video involving the judge and a midget dressed as George Orwell. What happens when Jackie Chan teams up with the evil empire? The result is the film some would call "Around the World in 80 days" or as its alternate title "How to Make Jules Verne Spin in His Grave."

Welcome to London, at the turn of the 20th Century. Science is blooming as the world awakes from its slumber, beginning a new age of technology and progression. All Phileas Fogg ever wanted to do was be an inventor. Shunned by his peers, Phileas realizes that the only way he would ever be taken seriously is if he did something crazy. He wagers that he can circumnavigate the world in 80 days. Okay, that works for crazy. Then he decides that Jackie Chan should come along. What follows is the greatest insult to history ever committed to film. You want an example. Okay, they have ninjas in China. Ninjas are Japanese. Read a book, Disney. So, through their misadventures, an English inventor, a French coat check girl, and a Chinese martial arts trainer do the impossible. They managed to keep me from storming out of the theater and killing the first twelve people who made eye contact with me. This is a small victory, to say the least. At the end of the day, there was probably a moral about not giving up or chasing your dreams, but I was dead by that time, so you will have to rent the DVD.

Do you do drugs? The director did. For all of you out there who are new to the concept of film, there is something called a transitional scene. Placed through out the movie, they are used to employ a sense of movement from one scene to the next. The director of Around the World in 80 Days decided that he wanted to incorporate drug induced delusions into these scenes. Trains that shoot out purple musical notes would be an example of this. Jackie Chan is as usual entirely incoherent, but remains stable through the movie. The other actors trade accents like they were insults and the viewer is wondering where in the world they are and when they will be mercifully put to death.

Around the World in 80 Days is proof that Disney can take any concept, drive it face first into the ground, and ruin literacy for the next generation.

Things you should look out for:

  1. Whole gaggles of people owe their souls to Disney. You don't believe me, then look out for some great guest appearance by some of the Hollywood elite. Kathy Bates, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rob Schneider, all make appearances and if you close your eyes, you can actually hear the sound of their careers grinding to a halt. What surprised me was that Owen Wilson was nowhere to be found in the entire movie, which is surprising, since his career is tied to Jackie Chan's ass.
  2. Owen Wilson is actually in this movie. See, I lied. I'm a liar and my pants are on fire... for you.
  3. They speak and write English everywhere in the world. Except for Jackie Chan, he has an accent. Go figure.

Your Moment of Insanity

Well done, Salisbury! I shall name a beef-based entrée after you in your honor. (Shoot me in the face, please.)

Did you know:

My friend paid two dollars for me to see this movie. I want his money back Disney, you hear me. Originally, we were going to see Thunderbirds, but a last minute schedule problem caused us to switch. We chose Around the World in 80 Days as a backup. We chose poorly.

Remakes are usually a bad idea...

  1. House on Haunted Hill
  2. Willard
  3. Dawn of the Dead

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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At Double Dragon