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Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe

There are only two truths in this life. The first is that, on January 18, in the year 2024, a giant asteroid will crash into California. The oceans will boil with the heat of the cosmos and the world will come to an abrupt, painful end. The second truth, while widely less known, is in no mean insignificant. Jessie Ventura is an alien. For reasons unknown to even our greatest scholars, Mr. Ventura has chosen this planet in order to subjugate our women and overturn our primitive political structure. Before entering the political arena, Jessie Ventura stared in numerous second rated movies with varying degrees of success. One of these brilliant, if not completely insane, movies is Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe.

A long time ago in a galaxy far away, there was a Finder named Abraxas. Finders are an intergalactic police force capable of warp travel to distant planets. Their mission, for the most part, is innocent enough. Unfortunately, their retirement plan is horrible and this leads to Abraxas' former partner, Sercundus, going rogue. Tired of playing the second fiddle in the great galactic game of chess, Sercundus decides to break up the repetitiveness of near immortality by infusing an Earth child with the anti-life formula. Succeeding partially, Abraxas balks at the thought of killing a child and instead of doing his job by killing the carrier of the anti-life formula, he allows the child, complete with the capabilities of destroying the Earth, to roam free. Six years later, Sercundus escapes his prison and returns to earth looking for the child containing the anti-life formula. What follows is a cat and mouse game through your typical small Northeastern town complete with wholesome values and inept police force. In the horror that follows, the audience is treated to an endless barrage of attempted one liners and camera angles inspired by the last images of a rodeo clown diving into a giant multi-colored barrel.

The 1980's were not a good time for the field of special effects. The writer/director decided to overcome this by using a lot of blue light, an obsessive amount of blue light. If you have ever wondered what a movie would look like if filmed inside of a giant slushy, then this film has your name all over it. Jessie Ventura manages to stumble though the impossibility insane story line and for brief moments manages to wipe the look of disbelief and sheer horror from his face long enough to stutter a few intelligible lines. The rest of the cast does not fair as well, standing awkwardly about as if their scripts were some how placed at random areas around them.

A campy delight, Abraxas is necessary for anyone suffering a mental disorder or people who enjoy the art of self-decapitation. Possibly one of the worst movies ever created, this author waits with baited breath for some twenty-something to rewrite this movie into the third installment of the Pitch Black franchise. At that point, I figure the Antichrist will ascend from the depths of hell and engulf the world in a much needed takeover ritual of fire and brimstone. Yes, this movie is that bad.

Things you should look out for...
  1. The police force of a small northeastern town manages to have a machine gun in stock and has no problem firing said gun in a crowded area of town.
  2. Do you like awkward scenes? Try Jessie Ventura shirtless in bed telling a story to a six-year-old child. Then go to sleep. Wake up screaming and repeat process until the plot of the movie makes since.
  3. A collection of blatant homage to just about every Stephen King movie ever created with the exception of Dreamcatcher, because nobody likes that movie. I mean nobody.

Your Daily Dose of Insanity: "Your mother told me you have a birthday coming up, you'll be six. I have a birthday soon. I will be eleven thousand, eight hundred and sixty two next Tuesday. That's a little more then six."

A Lesson Learned: The universe is a big place filled with lonely people but if an alien bounty hunter can travel across the universe, fail to stop the impregnation of a child bearing the anti-life formula and still manage to find love… well, maybe the world is not such a bad place and love is only an alien away. Take care of each other and yourselves. I'm Bart Simpson.

You May Be Better Off With A Good Movie:

  1. Ice Pirates
  2. Space Balls
  3. Radar Men From the Moon

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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