Thomm Quackenbush, author

Point Counterpoint: 9/12 Tech Support

NOTE: The following is a collection of posts written by a supporter of Glenn Beck. I have not changed the words or rearranged anything; this is the actual ramblings of someone completely removed from society.

Stevehen: Hey, great of you to sit down with me. I was really happy when you decided to do this little idea sharing session.

Tech Support: I'm a right winged extremist.
You guys love guns, right?

Stevehen: I'm a crazy liberal. After wrapping this up, I plan on having premarital sex with my girlfriend while aborting our unborn baby boy - we're naming him Billy - with a razor that will be held onto the end of my penis with Colorform Jesus figures. Political stereotypes aside, I'm wondering if you could tell me how it feels to kick homeless people?

Tech Support: What planet are you from?

Stevehen: Pluto. Well, it was a planet. It was a really popular belief at one point. It was kind of like racism. Everybody was just crazy about it. Not crazy in the sense of calling the President a Muslim. I mean, that's a completely different level of crazy. That's borderline paranoid. Disagreeing with the man, sure, why not? Tossing irrational nonsense onto the Internet in a vain attempt to arouse racist sentiment revolving around the 9/11 event, well, that's just stupid. Here's my question. I have literally dozens of people who tell me they read this. What's the message you want to deliver to them?

Tech Support: I have read the entire Christian fiction "Left Behind" series by Tim Lahaye. It seems to be pretty accurate even though a lot of it is fiction, including the killing of the antichrist. We do believe that he will imitate Christ, will deceive many and will be hailed the savior, messiah (sound familiar?) will be slain and will arise on the third day as Satan incarnate. That's where the real evil, begins. Of course, the scripture tells us that "no man knoweth the hour or the day, but when all these things are come to pass, look up for your redemption drawth nigh"; I am grateful t be a Christian in these days.

Stevehen: Well, you have me there. I can't read crap. I do hear that Kirk Cameron made some movies based on the books, but I haven't hated myself enough to getting around to watch them, alas. Seriously, as a retired altar boy and former operator of a Christian bookstore, I have a fair base of knowledge when it comes to the subject. I also have the wonderful research tool of the Internet on my side. I don't know about you, but if a seven-headed dragon pops up, I'm on his side. Come on, it's a seven-headed dragon. What could be cooler than that?
Glenn Beck's attack dog has nothing better to do than read my crap. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
Well, maybe an eight headed dragon? That would be wicked sweet as well. Nine heads? Well, now you're getting superfluous.

Tech Support: He fills most of the prophecy for the anti-chirist. If not, then he is a close front runner, or could become the false prophet. My husband and some of our Christian friends believe the first seal of Judgement is already opened. Most of our garden crop this year has been eaten up by Japaneese beetles, catapillars, and our yard is full of biting flies, and mosquitoes not only in early morning and at dusk like in past years, but all day. We have had to spray our entire bodies with insect repellent to be able to work in the garden. (PESTILENCE!) Our plants that haven't been eaten by insects, haven't produced enough to have any to put away for Winter. (FAMINE) Read Revelation and look up unto the hills, Christians.

Stevehen: For those you with no knowledge of the Bible, filthy sinners, let me illuminate what qualifies as the antichrist. Granted this definition comes from the Internet. Pretty sure the actual antichrist won't be a furry.

  1. He's a male. Redundant, I know.
  2. He will be ex-Jewish. Not Obama.
  3. He will be gay, impotent, or celibate. Obama has - count them - two kids. That knocks out at least one of those.
  4. He will be an atheist. Obama is a Christian, despite what you read on the Internet from people like Glenn Beck's tech support here.
  5. He will be a very powerful man. Colonel Sanders was a powerful man at one point.

So following the standards set by the Bible, I qualify as a better candidate for the antichrist.

Furthermore, seeing how the Japanese beetle was first discovered in your state in 1937, it seems an unlikely precursor to the Apocalypse. Seriously, we're entering the end of the world, but it's going to take forever to get there. Best put on another pot of fucking coffee.

Tech Support: There have been very few days with sunshine, where the ground has stayed so boggy that mine and my neighbors flowers have rotted at the root. Same with our vegetables. I have heard the same things from others when I am out shopping in the stores, etc. Yes, I do believe the first seal is opened and we are on the verge of the second. It only gets worse from here. Of course, the signs will be subtle and the news will be the last to pick up on anything.
How are you going to cry when Black Adam pokes your eyes out... well, I suppose you could still cry.

Stevehen: Well, the whole pestilence thing falls under the third seal. As for famine, that's under the forth seal. Maybe the Apocalypse is occurring; perhaps it's happening only in your backyard. You are, after all, the center of the universe.

Tech Support: I know THAT America existed and so do thousands of us.Else why is Glenn's ratings over the top? We grew up in that America! Deal with it!

Stevehen: Glenn Beck grew up in the 1970's. He graduated high school three years after I was born. Well, Jimmy, let's go down to the water and poke dead bodies with our wishing stick. He did at one point go on television calling the President a racist. So, I mean, if that's the America you want to remember, if that's the America he represents for you, I mean if that gets your arm a hopin' to the sounds of the Coasters, by all means continue.

Please continue.

Your Moment of Insanity
"Do you recall the painting that was to be displayed in NY abut 3 months ago with O's hands outstretched and a crown of thorns on his head? Gave me chills, goosebumps and made me ill! Have a peaceful night. Enjoyed our conversations."

Your Musical Moment Provided By Jay-Z
Can't leave rap alone the game needs me. Haters want me clapped and chromed it ain't easy.
Cops wanna knock me, D.A. wanna box me in but somehow, I beat them charges like Rocky. H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A. Not guilty, he who does not feel me is not real to me, therefore he doesn't exist.
So poof -- vamoose, son of a bitch!

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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