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National Intelligence Council's 2020 Report

Gather around the crystal ball, dear reader, for a glimpse of tomorrow. Alas, this is not the future of flying cars and soul dispensing machines promised by the advancement of science in the past. This is instead a practice in marketing. A global popularity contest where we learn what will be cool in the future. How does this work? Well, fifteen experts sat around a campfire eating crackers and the results of their discussions found their way into a hat. At first, a bunny popped out with the answer contained firmly within his mouth, and then the Mormons came along and removed the hat process completely.

Whatever method they chose to use, the facts are simple. The world is changing and in order to prepare our society for those changes we must first understand the problems. Unfortunately, the problems appear to be fifteen or so years away. That's nothing a healthy dose of optimistic guessing can't cure. In the flavor of a woman's magazine, I now offer you, the reader, a glimpse into the future.

1. Asia and India are like totally in. Who would've guessed it? As it turns out, these two guys have a lot in common. Both have exploding populations, American jobs, and a tasty collection of yummy goodness due to their awesome cooking skills. Well, ladies, don't let them go to your thighs. Just remember, eating Chinese will only lead to more food later in the day. Once you go General Tso's, you just don't come back. I mean, this is the really real world, there ain't no coming back.

2. Organized terrorism… boo. Splinter cells of organized terrorism... um… Booooor?

Can someone say "makeover"? Our favorite dysfunctional neighbors will decide that maybe gathering in the same place is a bad idea. Instead, they'll whisper sweet nothings at each other in the hallways while passing notes to one another in math class. This separation will lead to newer groups all biding for the three remaining spots on Survivor. Oh Al-Qaeda, you group of insane religious fanatics, I'm going to miss the fun time we had hunting you down like wounded animals and teaching you that rocks just can't compete with heat seeking missiles. Remember, you'll always be our first.

3. It's getting hot in here... take off all your clothes.

As it turns out, Global Warming is real and it's going to raise a whole 1 degree Celsius by the year 2020. Why wait for fifteen years? It's time to panic now, people. I have dibs on that survival station at Wal-Mart. If you want a way to charge your cell phone, you'll have to go through me. Since I believe The Postman offers the greatest glimpse into the future I hereby call for Tom Petty to become my first lieutenant in my glorious future.

However, I must stress the following: NONE OF THIS REPRESENTS HOW THE U.S. GOVERNMENT FEELS. Just in case you forget this, someone stamped this message all over the webpage deterring anyone who would use the Government's guess against them, but everybody knows it's not their guess. Therefore, it's all good. The scenarios in this article are only for discussion and, alas, should not be copied. So instead, I've decided to draw a picture of a puppy using letters. Granted, that warning may have better served the article by appearing at the top, but what can you do about it? Nothing really, besides torturing me. However, the government also is against torture, that's a weird Chinese puzzle for you to try to figure out.

Your Moment of Insanity
{:p.... That's a puppy. Puppies go ruff and do not express the opinions of the United States Government. They just go ruff.

Your Musical Moment By Johnny Cash
I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way.

Stevehen J. Warren is a trained professional in dealing with the crap society churns out. If possible, do not attempt to engage any crap you may find. He mocks it so you don't have to.

If you have a movie, picture, website, friend, game, book, fan fiction, or toilet you would like me to see, or crap all over, please inform your friendly webmaster and include your name and the name of the crappee. The numbers are open and we have trained professionals waiting to receive your call.

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