Thomm Quackenbush, author

Swine Flu

"So the swine flu. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?"

Melissa calls me and tells me there's this swine flu epidemic but she is convinced that it's a cover up for zombies. This is not the first time she's thought that something was a cover up for zombies. The recession and the invasion of Iraq were both cover-ups for zombies. She's a little paranoid, kinda like the crazy-ass gun guy from Tremors. But, also like him, she's gonna be prepared when the zombies finally come because she's memorized the Zombie Survival Guide. The plan used to be to go to Wal-Mart (yes this is actually a conversation we used to have all the time, and, really, you could raise generations in the Fishkill Walmart). But now the plan is to go north because zombies freeze. Didn't the guy who played crazy gun guy on Tremors, also play the father in Family Ties? I dunno. Anyway she's telling me this about the swine flu and now I'm a very visual person you have to understand. Except I'm also kinda dumb so, as she's describing this, I'm picturing a cartoon terrorist who kinda looks like Jafar from "Aladdin" with the evil supervillian moustache and all, and he's in a helicopter, right? And he's flying over Mexico and he's got this barrel of liquefied pigs solution, and he's misting it over Mexico with a mister. You know those little plastic ones that you can get from Bath and Bodyworks? Except instead of pear bliss, they're misting liquefied swine. But nowadays everyone is terrified of this swine flu. Do you notice -- and I know this has happened at least once to all of you -- when someone is sick, and you've been talking to them, they'll tell you, almost jokingly, "Don't worry though, it's not swine flu." This is where, if this were a comedy bit, I'd pause and look out at the audience. And you feel like saying, "How do you know? Did you get tested?" Because you KNOW that they're going to say, "No, I just know."

And if you were to say, "How do you know?" they would probably say something dumb like "I'm just having regular flu-like symptoms." And you're gonna have to picture me pausing again and looking out into the audience, except some people won't get why I'm pausing, which will be even more entertaining for me. You know what would be even more entertaining? If Melissa were right and this really is a cover up for zombies. I'd feel pretty confident now because I just finished this book "World War Z" and I know how to handle myself around the undead. But I would think by now you'd hear some rumors besides Melissa if this were true. Mario's a pretty big conspiracy theorist too, except his theories are based completely on irrational stoned epiphanies. To explain this phrase, it's when a bunch of people are sitting around smoking weed, talking about a random topic, like what's playing at the $2 theatre when, all of a sudden, someone will go, "HOLY CRAP, THE GOVERNMENT INVENTED AIDS TO ELIMINATE AFRICA." But as we know from what movies have taught us, either Melissa or Mario is bound to be right… eventually.

Angela is an artist in the truest sense of the word, though particularly artful when it comes to telling you how lame you are for writing hate mail.

Don't Be H8n!
Don't Be H8n!

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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