Thomm Quackenbush, author

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, their heroin habits. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
-Worried About My Reputation

Somewhere between the Angels and the French lies the rest of humanity.
-Mark Twain

Dear Worried,
First of all I want you to grab the nearest blunt object and hit yourself many times as hard as you can. when and if you wake up, clean the blood up and find the one you love, take her in your arms, gaze at those beautiful eyes, and see if you can find the strength, the courage, to tell this woman about you sordid family... INCLUDING THE FRENCH PART!! Then and only then will you know that if she truly loves you or not... Too few people in this world are lucky enough to have a totally honest relationship. I wish you luck.
Oh yeah, after that you should hit yourself in the head some more for even considering that there is anything wrong with the French.
Good luck!!!
-Zack

To have your terribly important or vaguely witty question answered, ask the wind. Zack gave up on this column. Yeah, sorry.

Ask Zack is a syndicated advice column printed in over 700 newspapers, periodicals, and websites. However, this may not be true in your space-time. Zack is not a doctor of any stripe, nor has he played one on television. Please use your own common sense and consult a professional with your problem(s). Zack, Xen, or any other implied agents are not in any way responsible to you for any reason, whatsoever. Try suing Big Tobacco, we hear they have deep pockets.



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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush