Thomm Quackenbush, author

Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston bleeds entertainment. That entertainment blood comes with a healthy mixture of cocaine, horse tranquilizers, marijuana, various pain remedies, glue, blood from a sacrificed virgin, and rocks from the depths of the Bermuda Triangle, but damn it all if it's not entertaining. See "train wreck" for further examples. I'm kidding, of course, train wrecks are rarely comical and Whitney has left her drug catalogue behind her. It's a fresh start for this multi-award winning artist. Granted, she has been going through this fresh start since 2002, but give her a shot. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer? Bet you didn't. I'm willing to wager all the things you didn't know about me would just about fill the Grand Canyon. That's physical proof of the great flood you know. Creationism is a science and a big hole in the ground is all the proof you need. You know what you could fill that hole with, right? Try filling it with crack. Whitney Houston, of course, would not show up. Crack is for poor people. Now that's a tangent. Take that, Lewis Black. Where was I?

That's right; Whitney Houston does not smoke the crack. Seriously, you don't star in movies like The Bodyguard and The Preacher's Wife by smoking crack. Granted, you write such movies with the assistance of crack, but that's a different damnation for another time. So what made this talented singer take up the acting? No, tell me, I'd really like to know. Well, one day Whitney was lying about her apartment naked on the floor shivering in her own discharge and thought, "I'd like to star in a crappy movie." After her fecal matter agreed, a debate with her left foot ensued and the result was a movie with Kevin Costner. That was a mean, I know. I'm sure the actual jump to acting came at a completely sober time in her life and the decision process was a long drawn out act of sobriety. I've just been getting these strange mood swings lately, perhaps it's my body tell me I need to start considering reproducing. Not in a sexual way, mind you. Stevehen is far too shy to take part in that. Instead, think of him as a simple one-cell organism, they divide. Thus the world will see that two is better then one and the world is a better place because Jesus died for your sins.

Why the sudden burst of spiritual insanity? Well, recently Houston took a trip to Israel. Drugs lead to Christ, which in turns leads to music. Ben Folds wrote a song about that I believe. You care greatly. No, you don't. Anyway, this newly found faith inspired a new ten track album, which is due to hit shelves somewhere between now and 2006. What are you going to do in that time? Have you ever considered the time-stealing joys of crack? Nether have I. It is after all for poor people. Now, horse makes you feel like a living God, or so I hear.

If you ask me, she's going about this in the wrong way. An animated series is just the career booster Mrs. Houston needs. It worked for Hammer and the New Kids on the Block. Yeah, the New Kids, those guys were media whores.

Great Words From Great Americans
"I've got a good man. He takes care of me. I don't have to be scared of anything because I know he will kick every ass... disrespect him and you've got a problem." -Whitney Houston
Disrespect Bobby Brown and he'll come and kick your ass. Message received.

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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