Rest assured, dear readers, vampires are real. Now, I'm not talking about actual vampires. Only people completed devoid of reality would believe in vampires. I'm instead writing this article to warn you of the danger of people who think they are vampires. You know the type. Usually you'll find them in various fast food parking lots or cemeteries prancing about reading magical books purchased at Barnes and Noble, wondering why the Fates have cursed them to forever to wander the world alone. Well, hanging out in cemeteries might have something to do with it.
The fact that these people dab themselves with white makeup and wander about the streets in depressing droves speaks wonders for the mental health field of this country. Now don't get me wrong, if you participate in this type of nonsense to pick up a pretty Goth girl, well, that's okay. Goth girls are great, and everyone should bask in their depression-coated goodness before dying. The world brims with the exploits of the stupid things guys do in order to get some booty action. What worries me is the fact that people take this obsession too far, often leading to actual vampire-like behavior. Take drinking blood, for example. Seriously, that's a bit gross and probably completely unhealthy; I wouldn't know this because I'm lame. As a nerd, however, I do have the time to make lists regarding how to tell you are not a vampire. I'm like a funny reversed-Jeff Foxworthy.
You're not a vampire if you
Take off the makeup, hang out at the mall and get over yourselves. Anything less would be horribly un-American.
Great Words From Great Americans
"This world is older than any of you know, and contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons, Demons walked the earth; made it their home -- their Hell. In time, they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for the mortal animals. For Man. What remains of the Old Ones are vestiges: certain magics, certain creatures"
-Giles (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.