Thomm Quackenbush, author


Rest assured, dear readers, vampires are real. Now, I'm not talking about actual vampires. Only people completed devoid of reality would believe in vampires. I'm instead writing this article to warn you of the danger of people who think they are vampires. You know the type. Usually you'll find them in various fast food parking lots or cemeteries prancing about reading magical books purchased at Barnes and Noble, wondering why the Fates have cursed them to forever to wander the world alone. Well, hanging out in cemeteries might have something to do with it.

The fact that these people dab themselves with white makeup and wander about the streets in depressing droves speaks wonders for the mental health field of this country. Now don't get me wrong, if you participate in this type of nonsense to pick up a pretty Goth girl, well, that's okay. Goth girls are great, and everyone should bask in their depression-coated goodness before dying. The world brims with the exploits of the stupid things guys do in order to get some booty action. What worries me is the fact that people take this obsession too far, often leading to actual vampire-like behavior. Take drinking blood, for example. Seriously, that's a bit gross and probably completely unhealthy; I wouldn't know this because I'm lame. As a nerd, however, I do have the time to make lists regarding how to tell you are not a vampire. I'm like a funny reversed-Jeff Foxworthy.

You're not a vampire if you

  1. Have a pulse. Vampires are the reanimated corpses of the dead and thus don't have things like blood flow. I know this sounds confusing, but you're just gong to have to trust me on this one. Furthermore, not being able to transform into a wolf might also be a hint.
  2. Listen to The Cure. That makes you Emo and frankly there's nothing I -- or anyone else -- can do for you. Although we all can agree, "Pictures of You" would make an excellent stalking song.
  3. Drink blood from your girlfriend/boyfriend. Okay, first of all that's a bit gross. Secondly, it doesn't grant you fantastic powers. Crack, on the other hand, makes you feel as though you can take on anyone. May I suggest that as an alternative?
  4. Wear black. This again makes you depressing and thus unpopular. See, here's my problem, you can't physically isolate yourself through your choice in clothing and then piss about how the world misunderstands you. Why don't you just shop at the Gap like every other misunderstood teenager and get over yourself?
  5. Write poetry about the cemetery. While I'm sure the dead bodies don't mind you visiting them, chances are you appearance alone will eventually piss off someone. I go to the cemetery to visit my loved ones, not to see you prance about doing your rendition of Shakespeare in the park, you insensitive pricks.

Take off the makeup, hang out at the mall and get over yourselves. Anything less would be horribly un-American.

Great Words From Great Americans
"This world is older than any of you know, and contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons, Demons walked the earth; made it their home -- their Hell. In time, they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for the mortal animals. For Man. What remains of the Old Ones are vestiges: certain magics, certain creatures"
-Giles (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


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