Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Ultimate Warrior

America prides itself as the nation of warriors, a heaping mass of positive thinking moving forward into the night in order to make the world a better place. In the 1990's, a movement towards crazy liberal thoughts arose, making our country weak from within. The conservative movement needed a political warrior and, thanks to the redneck, sweat-soaked world of professional wrestling, a warrior arose to carry the banner of backwards politics. This was not just any warrior mind you, but the Ultimate Warrior. Through a barrage of poorly choreographed matches, the children learned that with positive thinking and scripted outcomes the good guy always won the day.

With the Ultimate Warrior, children and adults alike found someone to believe in again, and thus Communism fell not by Reagan, by a wrestler portraying himself as a raving lunatic. Dams built themselves through magic, children enhanced themselves with medication, and, where English as was once spoken, it disintegrated into a frenzy of rope shaking and passable syllables. With someone like the Ultimate Warrior on our side, there was no need to be afraid anymore. He was our bravery when we feared, our pillow when we cried, our syringe when we need a little pick-me-up, but most of all he was someone we could look up to. He was a role model to the Speedo-clad teen who rushed home to don their sister's makeup in order to slam their bodies onto the therapeutic bed of their mentally retarded siblings. It was a grand time to be alive.

Sure, wrestling for some brings thoughts of muscled-bound men in humorous homoerotic positions groping about in order to alleviate their inner lust into the back of their unconscious opponent, but for those of us who saw the Ultimate Warrior in action, it was so much more. There's was something prim about his long glorious locks as they bounced to the ring. A strange sexual frenzy followed the man as his makeup caked off his face, showing us the inner warrior within us all. When his hand rose in victory, a gentle orgasmic energy filled the crowd, for we knew the Ultimate Warrior would reign forever. Unfortunately, due to the innovation of having wrestlers speak and formulate actual thoughts, the Ultimate Warrior decided to leave the wrestling world behind forever.

Warriors never die though. He's still fighting the good fight for the rest of us who dreamed of being little warriors shot into the fabric of an unsuspecting opponent. After coming to terms with his retirement, he turned to the realm of motivational speaking. If a man dressed in makeup and wearing frills can't inspire us to do better in life then who can? A comic book, a tour of college speaking tours, and a Republican ideology that makes Pat Buchanan look like Al Franken later, the Ultimate Warrior still inspires us to battle the evils that grip the world today.

Look out you hippie terrorists; the Ultimate Warrior is coming for you, Broadway style.

Great Words From Great Americans
"Queering don't make the world work."

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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