Thomm Quackenbush, author

RJ Lindsey

What makes a great American? W ell, in the case of RJ Lindsey, it all boils down to the ability to impersonate other great Americans. See, how it works, he's a great American by proxy. Are you throwing a birthday party, opening a museum wing, attempting to subjugate middle management to hours of grueling spirit building exercise? RJ Lindsey is the man you need to call.

Touting his Master's Degree from Illinois, RJ Lindsey decided that the way to honor past Americans was to dress like them. That's it, simple as that. Like any other impersonation artist, RJ takes great care selecting only the biggest names and brightest stars. People like John Stetson, who made hats, and Vice President Charles Gates Dawes fill his resume of randomness, assuring that no one in the audience will have any idea of whose he supposed to be. Now I'm not saying he doesn't do the big guys like Lincoln or FDR, but those guys are done to death. Remember kids, when you're reaching for your dream, aim obscurely.

To understand the man, we must only look as far as his rabid followers who have flooded his webpage with their praise for this great artist of make believe.

"The first time I saw him as Isaac, I knew that this is what had been missing in every Bible study -- a sense of the personal, the old-fashioned story. RJ has recaptured our heritage."

Rev. Joy Baumgartner

Every Bible study should have a man dressed as a religious figure. This is in no way sacrilegious or potentially offensive on any level. Furthermore, every town should have an Elm St. That's just my opinion though. Here's a question, if we have no idea how these people acted -- for example mannerisms -- then wouldn't impersonating them be as simple as putting on a sheet and mumbling incoherently. I can do this.

"Mr. Lincoln's message about respect and integrity was received positively by 100% of operations people and management."

Coca Cola Corporation

A soda corporation, known for their tasty beverage, hired RJ Lindsey to dress up as Lincoln and give a pep talk about integrity. That officially is the most retarded thing I've ever read in this or any other lifetime. I hereby declare Pepsi the winner of the Cola Wars by default and look forward to putting this whole mess in the back of my mind where it will eventually scar and kill me while I sleep.

It's not the worst though, read ahead and prepare to vomit mentally.

"Your portrayal of FDR was awesome. A woman entering the meeting room gasped when she saw you on the stage and said, 'Oh! I thought it was HIM!'"

Arlington Heights Historical Society

Let me get this straight. A woman, who likely lives in modern times, walks into a room and sees FDR. Now consider he died a while ago, and she's in a mental state capable of formulating some essence of actual thought. I have no other recourse but to declare this woman the town fool. For the love of God, someone get me her address so I can send her a hat with some bells and enclose a letter wishing her well on her journey into idiocy. Seriously, she was kidding, right? I mean he died before the end of WWII. Are the public school systems that bad? Damn it, read a history book people.

Great Words from Great Americans Impersonated by RJ Lindsey
"I will say that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races, that I am not, nor ever have been, in favor of making voters or jurors of Negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races from living together on terms of social and political equality. And inasmuch as they can not so live, while they do remain together there must be the position of superior and inferior, and I as much as any other man am in favor of having the superior position assigned to the white race." -Abraham Lincoln

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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