Here's what we call "an obscure pick". Sure, there's a ton of real military crazies out there ready to start a fight with anyone who disagrees with the American way of doing things. I wish I were kidding about this, but likely as this column makes its way from the pit of insanity that is me to the luminescent screen before me, real soldiers are out there fighting. Well, good to luck to those guys, and I sincerely hope everything turns out well for them. On a side note, having sex with your relatives is just plan wrong, so stop it already. I know there's a certain primal instinct that calls for you to pounce violently on their sleeping forms, but sometimes you just have to say no. Remember kids, never sleep with you sister, it's just plan wrong, unless you're in a red state. In that case, go for it. Worst case scenario is that we have more people who are retarded and we have systems designed to keep those people off the streets. No one wants to see those mumbling freaks of nature anyway. Well that is unless you have a great sense of humor, and if that's the case, laugh with me.
Speaking of mumbling retards, R. Lee Ermey cracks the list. His mixture of military past and raging insanity never led to an Oscar. Critically, he did wonders for his role. Much like the Boston Red Sox, he should be tapped gently on the head and reminded he wasn't a very good actor to begin with. Nice try though. There's always next year. Unfortunately, much like that stinking pink bunny -- a possible communist representative of the worker's spirit -- Ermey refuses to go away. No, seriously, you had a great film. You can stop now. Do you really think the cast of Parker Lewis Can't Lose lurched forward, attempting to achieve any semblance of a career? No, they understand their place. It's a bitter one-trick pony town sometimes, best to go on. Granted, Parker attempted to move on with an appearance in Stephen King's The Stand, but that film just plain sucked as well. The lesson is to stop when you're ahead. Never dream, never try, just get a crack addiction and see if VH1 has room in their lineup.
Okay, sure everyone points to Full Metal Jacket. It's a great film about the divisive Vietnam War with a twist of retard abuse thrown into the mix. The rain of praise began and, instead of bowing away, Ermey decided to keep the acting up. Tired of playing the angry military guy, Ermey turned his craft towards the comical direction staring in such films as Saving Silverman where he played an angry football coach and The Frighteners where he played a dead angry army drill sergeant. Talk about range, sometimes the evils of typecasting just amaze me. Anyway, no one saw these films, so as quickly as you could say dismissed, Ermey stuck his tail between his legs and headed to the History Channel, where he currently answers questions sent by nerds about military equipment. No, I really don't care how many miles a Jeep gets to the gallon or how many bullets an assault rifle can fire before the barrel goes up a degree. I take that back, crazy people care.
He starred in Willard. Yeah, that's the one with the rats. He played a pissed off boss. Damn it, he sucks as an actor, please for the love of whatever God you hold dear, make it stop. Make the music stop.
Great Words From Great Americans
"Get the #*&! down off of my obstacle."
Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.