Thomm Quackenbush, author

The Naked Cowboy

What's America without a cowboy? Well, it's not America. It's more like France. You know, gay. Since we have a way of bastardizing all of our icons of the past -- see felt-Elvis for example -- it was only a matter of time before some random escapee decided to kill the American cowboy for the last time. Can someone say Naked Cowboy? Sure, you can.

Nothing says "I need help" like getting naked and playing a musical instrument. Except for banjos. Naked banjo time is always acceptable. Anyway, chances are, if you've ever been to New York City, you've come across this guy. Here's a hint, he's the only guy allowed to walk around the city wearing a pair of spray painted tight briefs and strumming his version of songs you forgot you knew. Attention whore? Sure, you could call him that. Complete raving lunatic? Sure, you could say that as well, but that might get you sued. Chances are he'd wear his performance outfit to the trial so you might get a giggle out of the whole process.

The Naked Cowboy is the modern cowboy. See, it's simple, just like new math. Of course, to complete the outfit, he may want to introduce things like pants and a shirt, but that's just me. I'm a purist when it comes to dressing like a complete mind-warped freak. Alas, the American Dream is alive and well with this man, which means we have to kill the American Dream as quickly as possible before it mutates more of these subhuman monsters into our midst.

The remarkable theme behind all of this is that the years of low temperatures and the constant childhood teasing he must have received have lead to one of the most insane egos noted in modern record. Put in simpler terms, he's a little loopy. He actually puts on his collective outfit -- or lack there of -- and attempts to insert himself into a magical world that exists only in his mind where everything he does matters. Well, no it doesn't.

This cowboy needs is a little tough love and, hell, I have time to kill. First, no one cares what you do. Sure, tourists take pictures of you, but hell they'll take a picture of anyone wearing a pair of underwear. Second, you have no musical talent. If you had an iota of talent then you'd have an actual musical career instead of operating off a gimmick and a possible cod piece. Third, you're a street performer, which is one step above beggar, which in my eyes means you take money away from people who actually need it. You provide no service to anyone and exemplify exactly why Times Square is no more then a tourist blot on the greatest city in the world.

Great Words From Great Americans
Every so many years a cowboy comes through history and becomes a symbol for the times in which they live. They do so by rigorously holding themselves to their society's most sought after characteristics/attributes, (industry, personal initiative, free-enterprise, entrepreneurship, self-determination, trademark protection), and doing so with more intensity and faith than is necessary to cast them way outside of the society held norms/standards. I'm the cowboy of our times. I seek faithfully to be the cowboy of our age. I marshal simplicity, honesty, love and courage. Some other great cowboys? I've heard of Gene Autry, Hop-a-long Cassidy, Will Rogers, but I have not personally experienced any of them. - N.C.

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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