Thomm Quackenbush, author

Mike Tyson

Unlike the Fresh Prince, I will never claim to be able to beat Mike Tyson. Retired or not, let's face it, I'm completely out of shape and the idea of having that man on any level of rage, as he runs towards me, is ludicrous. Am I afraid? Damn straight, and rightfully so. In his prime, Mike Tyson terrified the boxing world. As his body aged, he turned to eating ears and threatening children. That is not the mark of sanity, but it is the mark of a Great American and since this column is all about lavishing praise and cowering in fear, well let's all welcome Mr. Tyson to this list. For the love of god, welcome him.

Mike Tyson could kill you if he wanted to, but he doesn't because he's a man of great restraint. He's a man of peace. His story however, it not all the glimmer the mainstream liberal media would have you believe. Born in Brooklyn -- because it would be silly if he called Vermont home -- Tyson began his career at a young age when he would beat those who would mock his high pitched lisp. After a few stints in juvenile detention centers and being expelled from high school for fighting, Tyson turned his talents for just beating the living hell out of people into a career. At the age of twenty, Tyson captured the WBC title and boxing critics heralded him as the next great heavyweight champion. After capturing his third belt, and gaining the title of "Undisputed Champion of the World", Tyson reigned supreme.

Not all was right between the ropes. A highly publicized divorce from Robin Givens, the woman who brought back large foreheads and a diminishing physique, began to wear on the champion. This, however, didn't stop him from getting his education on, as Central State University in Ohio granted him a degree in Humane Letters, because granting brain damage through your fists is quite humane when you think about it. The liberals scoffed at this degree and granting degrees to celebrities in general -- I'm looking at you Dr. Weird Al -- but no one stepped forward to take it away from him. Frankly, that would've been quite amusing. In 1992, Mike Tyson found himself in prison for rape and, after three years behind bars, Mike emerged a converted Muslim. Returning to the ring, he managed to recapture two belts before he attempted to eat Holyfied. Granted everybody forgets that Holyfield headbutted Tyson twice. When you mess with the bull, the bull bites your ear off. I believe that's the saying.

The star of his own NES game and the inspiration for the boxing character in Street Fighter II, Tyson still holds a place with all of us nerds in the world. The good news is Tyson is now rumored to be in the running to become a boxing analyst, we can rest assured that Tyson will continue to awe fans for years to come with his insight into the world of punching people in the face. Rest assured Tyson is a poet, a poet whose lines are written on the foreheads of his opponents.

Great Words From Great Americans
"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.

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Works by Thomm Quackenbush


Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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