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George Lucas

Nerds rejoice. Your savior has arrived. Coming in out of warp drive, and recharging his laser pistol, it's the reigning king of the revamp, the one and only George Lucas. Now before you prepare the tar and feathers, I want you to remember two things. First, I mock Lucas because I am immensely jealous of his success. I'm pissed that a man who dresses as if he should be removing pine from the Pacific Northwest has the gall to label himself a great director after making one good movie. Secondly, I would like to remind you that tar fumes are an asthma irritant and any attempt to avenge your lord will only force you to get up from your comfortable chair. You don't need to put that type of stress into your life.

Born in a galaxy far away from conservative values and thus everything this country stands against, George always knew there was a bigger world beyond California. After wasting his time watching Japanese Samurai movies -- this is what nerds do with their free time -- George decided he wanted to live a dangerous life; he wanted to be a racecar driver. After a horrific automobile accident, which almost stole from the world the idea Luke Skywalker, Lucas took time out to reevaluate his life and decided to get into the movie business. Strangely enough, race car driver Jeff Gordon always wanted to be a movie maker who concentrated on telling an overly simplified love stories bordering on incest fantasies. It's just funny how life works itself out sometimes. After peeling himself off the pavement, George got himself into film school and made the science fiction flick THX 1138. Those of you who have actually seen this film will attest to the poor direction and shoddy camera work, fans of the Wars will point to the faint glimmer of promise. Fortunately, their opinion does not matter. I make the rules around here.

After failing upward, because that's how Hollywood works, George got his greasy little hands on a little film called American Graffiti and using the success of that filmed shot his epic fantasy Star Wars. As studios didn't know anything about marketing at the time, the powers that be granted Lucas merchandising rights to the Star Wars franchise and thus completely shot themselves in the foot in terms of future sales. Lucas, ever the marketing whore, launched a giant merchandise line including such action figures as that guy in the background and the woman with the hat. Spinning a creative universe out faster than you can pet your kitty, Lucas finished his trilogy and got to work on the prequel trilogy and you just know when the money starts to run out he'll think of making three more. Considering that he owns the rights to THX audio and has been whoring digital cinematography as the future of movie making, Lucas is not likely to run out of money quite yet and being importunately wealthy. Well, that's America.

George Lucas is a fine director for fans of pretty lights and dialogue written by Krystyn Poe. Past the buccaneer dialogue and rabid fan following, you may indeed find someone who is willing to defend his movies as pieces of art. Unfortunately, a giant speech impaired hamster is not art, at least not in this country.

Great Words From Great Americans
"If the boy and girl walk off into the sunset hand-in-hand in the last scene, it adds 10 million to the box office." -George Lucas

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.

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