Thomm Quackenbush, author

Louie Anderson

Welcome back to the Feud. The game sucks and, frankly, if you don't understand the rules, then perhaps suicide is an option you may want to consider. We sucked valuable time from 100 people and the most popular responses were placed on the board. Did you know a former host of this show killed himself? Anyway, let's have the head of the households come up to the front. Never mind that, maybe you'd be better off just changing the channel. Seriously, it's time for you to stop living in the 1980's. Hell, our host is the former sidekick to Tim Allen. Yeah, it's the Tool Time guy. No, there was no one else. We should maybe stop trying. We'll look into that.

Louie Anderson is all about wholesome entertainment and family fun. That is unless you try to exploit money from Louie, at which time he turns into a bear with the uncanny ability to shoot lasers from his eyes and vomit pure acid. The lesson is simple. You don't mess with Louie Anderson; you worship him as your savior. Look at the career, damn it. I said look at it. How many times do we have to go over this? You put the lotion on the skin, you do this whenever you're told. The man went from a crappy Saturday morning cartoon to hosting the Family Feud. The fact that he has not killed himself or injured innocent people during a rampage at one of those all-you-can-eat restaurants is a credit for the human ability to restrain. He's an immortal who likely is a master at swordplay and a professional gymnast.

Introduced by Johnny Carson, Louie has since grasped the world of entertainment by the scrotum, twisting the life from us when he sees fit. When you're a protégé of the great Henny Youngman -- I have no idea of who he is either -- good things happen. A studded comic career, a cartoon series about his abused childhood, and a stint as one of America's favorite game show hosts later, Louie's still here and will be here until he sees fit to give his mantle to someone else. Deal with it. I would suggest strange sexual acts to pass the time. Just make sure that whomever you do it with doesn't try to take everything you worked so hard far. Pay him if you have to, but be prepared to take his ass to court. Remember to punish his ass in the bed and then punish his ass in the court. That'll teach him.

He has two Emmy Awards, proving for the last time that anyone can get an Emmy. Hell, I have three and Xen has a respectable twelve. Never underestimate the Best Short or Documentary category; no one even tries to compete for those. The fact that he hosted Family Feud after winning his award is proof that Hollywood is a fickle whore with a short attention span. How do you go from acceptance speech to pointing towards a board and taking compliments from patronizing families? Hell, the families don't even hate each other. You get a pair of households involved in a land dispute and I'll watch that show. Add a machine gun that descends from the rafters whenever the contestants attempt to get into the host's pants and sit back counting the acclaims and awards as they come in.

Louie Anderson is a survivor. He's the master of tenacity. No matter how many people beg him to stop, he keeps going chugging along for the entire world to see. For every twelve people who have no idea who he is, there are twenty ready to sit through an hour long stage show. He's the devil, people, plain and simple. Worship at the altar of this man.

Great Words From Great Americans
"I hope I'm not on The E! True Hollywood Story till I'm dead." -Louie Anderson

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

The Night's Dream Series

We Shadows by Thomm Quackenbush

Danse Macabre by Thomm Quackenbush

Artificial Gods by Thomm Quackenbush