Thomm Quackenbush, author

Charlton Heston

The man made a promise. Considering the fact that when this man dies, I can surely expect a gun in the mail, I figured it was only proper to include him on this list. Now, some of you might think that the claim that we can have his guns when we take it from his "cold, dead hands" was more of a metaphorical simplistic argument, I disagree. Instead, I believe he was honestly offering his guns after his death. Someone should remind him of this fact, because likely he's forgotten about it, along with his name. That previous comment was unnecessary, but coincides with the type of man he is. Heston is a giver, plain and simple.

Born in Illinois, Heston got the acting bug early in his life attending Northwestern University and appearing in various 16mm silent movies. After leaving college in 1944, Heston operated the radio on a B-52 in Alaska. Thanks to the sacrifice of himself and various others, Alaska never fell to the Japanese invasion and, today, all they want is their independence. Those ungrateful bastards. After getting married, and finishing his stint in the Air Force, Heston moved from coast to coast working on various projects before settling in NYC in order to pursue his acting/modeling career. Soon directors clamored to cast him in various roles, including Moses, and all the hard work of looking good and delivering every line the exact same way earned him an Oscar for his work in the epically long-winded Ben-Hur.

Accomplishing acting achievements just wasn't enough for Heston from 1966 through 1971; Heston headed the Screen Actors Guild, ensuring the communist threat would never invade Hollywood. Now, that is not to say he supported McCarthyism, instead he suggested racial segregation led to Communism. Think about that and when you figure it out send me a letter. In 1968, after the assassination of Senator Robert F. Kennedy, Heston appeared on television calling for Congress to implement gun controls. Irony aside, this made Heston's jump to President of the NRA in 1998 awkward, to say the least. In 2002, after surviving a bout with prostate cancer, Michael Moore included the Oscar winning actor in his film Bowling for Columbine where, after sitting down with that spinster of editing, Heston claimed that violence in America is due to the minorities. Ironically, Michael Moore eats minorities.

In 2002, after completely making an ass of himself, Heston announced to the world that he had been suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer's disease. Leaving the NRA, Heston hid himself from the world, occasionally appearing to receive the random award, including the Presidential Medal of Freedom from pseudo-President George W. Bush, who loves former actors willing to support him and Chili's fries. In April 2006, a family press release announced that the end for this actor is drawing near, which means we're all about to get some guns.

Great Words From Great Americans
"To the world, you are America." -Charlton Heston

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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