Thomm Quackenbush, author

Ernie Hudson

This column is all about dealing with the facts, disregarding the misguided attention whores that beg about my bedroom window their cast gaunt faces gleaming for recognition. No, Bill Nye, sadly you're not good enough. Carmen, you can just go to Hell. "In America" is all about the mainstream. We had damn well better keep it real, hence the subject of the latest article. Ernie Hudson keeps it real. When the Hollywood hype machine needs a hit, only one man will turn any film towards deliverance. You don't believe me do you? Did you know that his films typically gross over seven million dollars over their opening weekend? Is that an accident? No, you pompous fool. That is what we call fate, a kiss of kismet, if you will. Do you want crazy money, Hollywood? Do you know his movies average over a billion dollars in world wide revenue? Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I said smoke it. This isn't some stinking after school drug commercial where I turn into a snake. I'm damn serious here.

Anyway, after a stint in the Marine Corps, Ernie turned his talents towards the field of acting. Everybody knows him from his role in Ghostbusters and that half-assed sequel. Some people know him from his role in The Crow, but those people are likely depressed Emos and thus do not count, anywhere. However, before he broke it big on the big screen Mr. Hudson stared in various television programs including "Little House on the Prairie", "Taxi", "The A-Team", and a little gem of a show called "Fantasy Island". If your wish was to be the greatest actor in the world, then mission accomplished, Mr. Hudson. Mission freaking accomplished.

Hell he ever starred in "Roots II". Don't believe me? Well, look it up. Here's a big question. How often to they make sequels to television movies. Can you say never? The rule of thumb is when you have Ernie Hudson, expect a hit to come steaming down the pipe, ready to take your head off. As you're running about looking for your head, in a feeble attempt to reattach it, remember everything you are you owe to Ernie Hudson. Society is his vision. His dreams are our collective reality.

He also happens to have a PhD. Is there anything this man can't do? The answer is no. As with all great men, he's filled the world with his offspring ensuring that the greatest of his genetic ability to make anything awesome will continue into the next generation. Can anyone say "Roots III"? Well, no. Maybe they should've just stopped with the first installment.

Great Words From Great Americans
"It's a hard call, but I've no desire to live my children's lives. I think my job as a father is to protect them, to allow them a safe place to grow up and to teach them what I've learned." -Ernie Hudson

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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