Thomm Quackenbush, author

Burt Reynolds

Moustache rides are a nickel, unless you're talking about moustache rides from the embodiment of the seventies. That's right, it's Burt Reynolds time. If you haven't seen one of the great classic exploits of American cinema by this talented actor, then I strongly suggest you head out and check some of these gems out. Seriously, Mr. Reynolds has a tendency of slapping people who are dim-witted enough to ask him questions without doing their homework. Therefore, in the interest of not being bitch slapped by Burt Reynolds, I offer you the reader a glimpse into the man.

Born in 1936, which by my math means "old", Reynolds struggled to make ends meet as an actor until he broke it big playing a blacksmith in Gunsmoke. Three years of portraying the American West with no minorities later, he found himself on the big screen in his break out role in the masterpiece of Southern stereotyping called Deliverance. After bursting into tears over some fried chicken, Burt went on to play the same role in numerous films. Some may call this typecasting; I, however, refer to it as creative marketing. As an audience member, you know what you're getting when you see a Burt Reynolds film. With few exceptions, his films are a blend between bad and suicide-inducing. For many, viewing one of his films is on par with swimming a marathon or climbing a skyscraper. It's a practice of discipline.

Comedian Robert Wuhl once remarked that, "Burt Reynolds makes so many bad movies, when someone else makes a bad movie Burt gets a royalty!" That's a funny, well-written joke coming from a man I've never heard of before. Seriously, Mr. Reynolds, if you happen to come across this article, do everyone a favor and slap Robert Wuhl across his talent-free face. No one disrespects Smokey. The man was in Striptease and he still has a career. Granted, this career is a twisted reflection of some horrible plane crash, but still. In 2003, the fan base of Burt Reynolds was thrown a curve when it was discovered that, and imagine my head exploding, Mr. Reynolds had plastic surgery. Once again, Hollywood reveals itself as a land of lying whores who offer you a deal before the performance and then throw a curve. No, I had no idea her pimp was waiting for me in the closet with a gun, but then again maybe if I had listened to R. Kelly it would've all turned out right. Anyway, I'm rambling. If the idea of Burt Reynolds, born before the Second World War, having plastic surgery surprises you in any aspect of your life, then seriously put your eBay identity away and get a life.

Over the last five years, Burt Reynolds has kept busy remaking every one of his crappy movies, forcing us, the viewer, to watch them again. Damn it, that's brilliant. Do you know what else is brilliant? Hats made of cheese. Think about that.

Great Words From Great Americans
"My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave." -Burt Reynolds

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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Works by Thomm Quackenbush

Anthologies

Find What You Love and Let It Kill You by Thomm Quackenbush
Pagan Standard Times: Essays on the Craft by Thomm Quackenbush
A Creature Was Stirring: A Twisted Christmas Anthology by Thomm Quackenbush
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At Double Dragon