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Anna Nicole Smith

Texas never whispers. However, sometimes Texas stumbles along, spewing nonsense while touting enough religious undertones to make Kirk Cameron wet himself. It's a big state full of big ideas. Granted, those ideas are mostly the complete opposite of our crazy liberal ideas, but I digress. From the state that brought you the execution of the mentally handicapped criminals and some of the biggest letdown teams in baseball, I'd like to introduce you to Anna Nicole Smith. You remember her. She was a Playboy model, a former spokesperson for Guess Jeans, an accomplished writer of sentences and then she got fat. True, she married a rich, old man who met her while she worked as a stripper, then she got a butt load of money after the old coot died and the stage was set for comedy.

Thanks to those crazy liberal activist judges, Anna lost all her money from her husband and found herself, in retrospect, sleeping with a millionaire for no reason whatsoever. Well, minus the whole love thing, but in reality how many of us could sleep with an old man based on love? Anyway, her instant lottery ticket forever snatched from her, Anna turned her sights towards reality television.

Every week, television viewers turned in horror as the now slightly overweight Anna lurched about the room talking about how no one wanted to sleep with her. It could've had something to do with her shrill voice, the uncomfortable relationship with her personal assistant, or the sheer madness, which seemed attached to her every action. The ratings were modest, to say the least, and thus the clock of fifteen minutes managed to extend slightly. People love slowing down to watch a car crash. Well, as it happens, Anna's show had a celebrity following, that's where Howard Stern, America's favorite disc jockey, comes into play. He decided to remark about the newly bulbous Anna and, as a result, she decided to change her life. Did she step into rehab? Hell no, that's the rational decision. Instead she decided to whore herself to a weight loss program. Good news is that it worked and we got a thinner runway Anna

Did you know that Anna is a member of PETA? Well, it turns out her pets also have standing in the organization. They'll let anyone talk about the travesty of animal testing nowadays. Anna's three dogs -- I'll save you their names and thus your sanity -- decided they didn't like the Iams dog food testing laboratory. Iams, of course, denied the accusations, but I mean if I'm given a choice between crazy animal activist and dogs able to communicate their hatred of animal testing or a company, I have to side with the dogs.

Anyway, if there's a crazy way to remain in the spotlight then you just know she'll find it. She once claimed to have the best sex of her life with a ghost. Note to self, the ghost costume works.

Great Words From Great Americans
"A ghost would crawl up my leg and have sex with me at an apartment a long time ago in Texas... I was freaked out about it, but then I was like, 'Well, you know what? He's never hurt me and he just gave me some amazing sex, so I have no problem.'" -Anna Nicole Smith

Stevehen J. Warren was born in America. He knows people. American people. You should contact him if you are an American. Or if you aren't an America, but have ever met one.
He writes just to spite you.


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