Thomm Quackenbush, author

7 Deadly Ways Crazy Conspiracy Theorists Could Get Taken Slightly More Seriously on the Internet

Please note, I am not making up a single conspiracy theory below. I truly wish I were.

  1. Spell and grammar check. Yes, I'm sure Microsoft is carefully reading your blog posts, so you can't actually run them through Word. However, I promise you that the basics of English grammar existed long before there were computers. You are treading on thin ice already, talking about Reptilians bringing down WTC with thermite. You could at least do us a favor and write in something that borders on legible English. I doubt I am the only one who instantly disregards mad jabbering that confuses second person possessive with a contraction or spells either as "ur." Come now, you are not typing this on your cell phone (which you don't use anyway, because that's how they track you!), you can spare us a few extra letters to be understood. Or, more properly, to be as understood as is likely. And, please, just for me, could you not type EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS or, actually worse, rANdoMlY CapiTaLizE. Is it a code? Who knows and, further, who really cares to find out?
  2. Be consistent. Fine, so George W. Bush personally created a vast international conspiracy to bring down the World Trade Center so he could take over Iraq for the nefarious purpose of backing the dollar on oil instead of gold. In that case, you cannot treat him as borderline retarded in your next paragraph. Either he is an overarching criminal genius who has intellectually far outdistanced anyone else ever - yes, including you - or he is a simpering moron. Obviously, this extends to anyone and thing you wish to indicted in your ramblings. Find the thesis of your argument (thesis, not theses) and defend it. Stop declaring the exact date of the Apocalypse, only to renege the day after. Otherwise, you just come off as wishy-washy, as well as badly in need of medication.
  3. Apply Occam's Razor to your evidence. Is it likely that the government is storing tens of thousands of hundred-gallon plastic boxes so they can be used as coffins in the event of a carefully orchestrated pandemic genocide? Wouldn't it be more likely in such a circumstance that they would just burn your corpse? Or is it that you firmly believe the government cares so little about you to exterminate you but enough that they will give your high infectious body a nice Christian burial in Tupperware for future generations to discover?
  4. Use science to prove your points. No, science is not against you. No, they aren't trying to put RFID tags in you. That would be prohibitively expensive and you aren't interesting enough to justify the infrastructure. No, Alex Chen's magic ring is pseudo-science at best and does not count. Yes, scientific experiments are repeatable and the scientific approach is not to prove your hypothesis but to try your very best to prove that you are wrong. If, after all of your experiments utilizing the scientific method, you can prove the government is putting something in the water that makes rainbows when you turn on the sprinklers and it is not the result of something very easily explained by actual science, I will happily read your evidence and try it for myself. Ranting at me in a YouTube video is not science.
  5. If you really are concerned about some vast calamity about which only you know the truth, it behooves you to actually tell people. No, not in a YouTube video where you blur out the Reptilian as it is transforming in hopes we'll want to buy your DVD. No, not in a book you published through Lulu that you are selling for the low, low price of $59.95. If you save us from being eaten by space lizards, I promise you will be rewarded with a sitcom on the CW and all the d-list celebrities you can carry home.

  6. Master the basics of web design, because I am not going to read your screed if it makes my eyes bleed (there, I even made it rhyme so you can remember it more easily). No tiny white (or bright red) font on a black background, no moving backgrounds, no flashing text, no embedded MIDI files I can't shut off, no giant pink unicorns on a page that has nothing to do with horned equines. I know black text on a white background seems dull to you, but it is a good standard from which to work. I am not suggesting you need to hire a good graphic artist to touch up your scribblings, but there is a very easy way around this. Go to a webpage that is easy to read. Click "View" in your browser bar. Click "Source." Look, now you have a template from which to work (though don't hotlink anything. We'll know). Alternately, there are literally thousands of websites that will instantly create a very nice template for you and won't charge you a penny. Though, if you have a few bucks a month you aren't using, get a real domain and get off Geocities and Angelfire. It's fine when you are fifteen and just starting to make webpages. By the time you are ready to take on the Illuminati by yourself, you really might want to invest in a host that doesn't require a banner ad asking me to punch a monkey to win an iPod. (That's Neuro-Linguistic Programming designed to put viruses in your mind anyway.)

  7. Assuming you are persecuted when you are mocked. Really, I have no need to persecute you, you do it so well on your own. I encourage you to post more of your rantings, as I find them highly amusing once I cut through the bad grammar. You may be crazy, but try not to sound so crazy. At best, you are making it much easier for your opponents to commit logical fallacies, as people are apt to believe you are wrong simply because you are ridiculous.

Xen likes listing various things in sevens. He might actually be obsessive compulsive in this way. We try not to mention it to him.
Thomm Quackenbush is an author and teacher in the Hudson Valley. Double Dragon publishes four novels in his Night's Dream series (We Shadows, Danse Macabre, and Artificial Gods, and Flies to Wanton Boys). He has sold jewelry in Victorian England, confused children as a mad scientist, filed away more books than anyone has ever read, and tried to inspire the learning disabled and gifted. He is capable of crossing one eye, raising one eyebrow, and once accidentally groped a ghost. When not writing, he can be found biking, hiking the Adirondacks, grazing on snacks at art openings, and keeping a straight face when listening to people tell him they are in touch with 164 species of interstellar beings.

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